I think I have a problem. Well its not so much of a life and death issue, neither does it actually hinder the processes of my daily life, but it is a problem, and one I didn’t really care to think about until… yesterday.

After some gathering (CNY again), I accompanied a friend to millennia walk. Apparently the new hype in town, which I have heard of from many friends, is this thing called “Salsa-Dancing”. The basic concept is pair-dancing, and since you do not have to find yourself a partner, it is pretty attractive a deal (exercises and free match-making).

As usual, my friend, feeling awfully awkward registering alone, decided to put up a mild attempt to coax me into registering together. The conversation went something like that:

Friend: “Eh come join me lah… you are single right?”

Me: “I really wouldn’t mind but I don’t think my current schedule allows me to take up another social aspect”

Friend: “Aiyah, just make friends what, nobody tell you to engage in a relationship.”

Me: “Of course, but even making friends take time, and I really don’t think its going to add any value to whatever I am doing now.”

Friend: “You cannot be so calculative. Before you learn to fly you have to learn to walk. Look at the present; don’t keep looking into the future. Life is not like business. Of course in business you plan ahead, but in life you really won’t know what is going to happen tomorrow or the day after. Relationships are not commodities!”

I was momentarily befuddled. Did I actually view relationships are commodities, as measurables? I think I actually did! In fact, I have been viewing everything as tradable and measurable items. While doing so allows me to take emotion out of the equation and focus on logically closing favourable deals and contracts, it has now become a habit and a perspective of life!

Do I even feel anymore? Perhaps, but only for a split second before logic takes over. To break down what goes through my head and heart when there is any attraction:

Heart: “Ahhh… I feeling a little excited and intrigued…”

Head: “Shut Up!”

Heart: “But…”

Head: “SHUT THE FUCK UP!!! Ok look here, that chick is no doubt hot and sexually appealing. From her looks and demeanour she seems ready to start a conversation. Her fashion sense makes her seem like an office executive, so she is probably another mindless automaton of the economy. Look at that handbag and all those accessories, another city dweller all absorbed in shallow narcissism. The beauty is only skin deep, not suitable, period!”

Heart: (shuts down completely)

I think I really have a problem, hahaha!