This week has been totally eventful, due to the truth that it has actually been quite uneventful. Like the majority of city-folk, I am totally vulnerable to boredom. I couldn’t stand a second of inaction (well at least I have to be thinking about something, even if I’m not moving), a personality trait which has led to both my greatest successes and failures.

Browsing books at Kino today churned out a few interesting findings. I shall not state the work-related ones here, since they involve a crucial and confidential project. Reading a book about personality and destiny, I found, perhaps, the answer to my so-far rather screwed up life.

I have been seeking the “answer” everywhere (the answer to “our purpose of existence”); science, spirituality, philosophy, history, literature, music, art, society, politics, economics, etc. Obviously, I have not found the answer, and today, I finally realized that perhaps I never will, because the question asked was wrong.

The question should be: MY purpose of existence!

Aha! Finally got this stupid thought aligned. One will never be able to justify everybody’s purpose, and one need not in the first place. Slaves who think they are free have their purpose justified, while masters who brood over unfounded misery is destined to live blind. I have been blind, and perhaps even asleep, for a long time. It’s damn time to wake the hell up.

I should also put a temporary stop to my crazy alcohol consumption. For the past 2 months, if I take an average, I consumed at least 2 jugs of beer per day (which is really damaging and I’m finally starting to feel it). This does not include the irregular sleep hours due to year end business influx.

I have made an agreement with a friend that we shall both abstain from this vice for a month, and engage in some other, healthy form of pleasure – like exercise. Sex is exercise so I need not deprive myself of this primal need, haha.

Speaking of which, I’m finding it really hard to juggle between the many options. Perhaps when the oracle spoke of my past life as some Mongolian general, it was not too wrong. I can’t seem to be happy with one, nor three, nor eleven. I always want more, the ever-perpetuating greed that will probably drive me to my grave one day.

To make things worse, I have met another old flame, and have been seeing her over the past 3 days. The confrontation between current and previous today was really quite scary. All I could do was sit and be quiet.

In this aspect, perhaps I really have no morals. I am more like an animal. I don’t mind my women having other men, and I hope they don’t mind me. Then again, in this entire scenario, perhaps it is only me who will think this way.

Had an interesting conversation with Alan last night. Although whatever I’ve said probably did not get through to him, the words struck a chord in me, one I have never really paid much attention to over the last 10 years.

Recently I have found myself a place, an escape from the reality I live in. In my reality (just as everyone else is), I live under the weight of my own mask. Perhaps it all started a long time ago, longer than I can even remember. But I do remember hating myself a lot in the past, and frantically trying to re-package myself into someone I am not, but longed to be.

More than a decade has passed since then, and I am now 99% what I have always wanted to be. It is then that I realize that everyone around me now knows me now for who I truly am, but for what I have become. Looking back, I have probably become that which I once truly wanted, but at the same time that which I truly detest.

In this escape I have found, while most may think of it as some sort of egoistic achievement with the opposite sex, I think otherwise. I may claim that not for one moment do I take singular interest in any of the 3, though the interest is almost obvious from them. What I am really drawn to is that fact that they do not know anything about me, just as I almost do not know anything about them.

In this tiny apartment where everything seems on the surface a game with many lies, perhaps it is here that, ironically, the truth reveals itself. Here, I am accepted not for what I am, but for who I am. Here, I don’t even have a surname, just me. I get to enjoy the pure bliss of ignorance, I forget my talents, my ventures, my status (if any), my reputation, my skills. I am nobody other than myself, and they accept me for that.

Of course, this will probably all come to an end soon. Perhaps it has already come to an end when I crossed the line with one of them. Whatever the case, deep down in that hidden part of me, I am truly thankful to life to have laid such an arrangement, in which for 4 days, I could be totally myself again.

For all this, I have re-written the lyrics of “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban:

The winds of dawn, shall dry thy eyes so teary
As rivers flows, our sorrows to the sea
And here I stand, upon a sole reflection
The memory that you once stood by me

(chorus)
For who shall say, that our love is forever
And who could see, the pain tomorrow brings
Through it all, a broken heart endeavours
To find the hands, to piece it back again

The starry night, caress a face so weary
As oceans roll, my soul waits endlessly
For do I see, your shadow in the corner
Or is that just, a hidden part of me

(repeat chorus)

The past week was a frenzy of deals, projects, deadlines, requests, and of course (though not so expectedly), a full week of birthday celebrations.

I must confess I have never been much of a social creature, as such I have never had anything close to a birthday party with more than 10 friends (minus the time when I was a kid and celebrated at Mcdonalds).

Of all the “celebrations”, the least expected came from JJ Bar, my new hangout for cheap drinks and good company. I was really quite taken aback, and I don’t really recall everything, but thanks to these people (not in any order) – Daemon, Weiwen, Xiao Bao, KK, Qianhui, Dan Dan, Janet, Eunice, Jayz, Louis, Ah Boy, Mark, and Raymond (from Holland), it was truly a night to remember.

Anyhows, I have been slacking anyway in my composing attempts (or more exactly, my uploading attempts). Just to slot in a recent tune (I wouldn’t consider it a composition, since it is too damn short), a tune which simply came to mind one of these nights.