Amidst the frenzied pursuit of fame and fortune, the more silent moments of the night sees me in deep thought, over the more fundamental reasons of our existence and efforts. Today has been a rather slow day, with the fulfillment of simple operational requirements and routine meetings with representatives of the involved entities.

With the hurricane 150 kilometres off our shores, the heavy downpour kept us in the apartment most of the time, with the exception of going out for dinner and buying a vacuum cleaner (which my roommate insisted on since he was so engrossed in spring cleaning today, mostly to past time).

Looking back at life over the past years, it seems as if a lot has changed, yet at the same time nothing has really changed. I have acquired knowledge, experience, and the connections and networks to implement more than I ever could. The recent choice to discard the option of my lone journey has proved worthwhile, and in exchange of the lessons and exposure, I trade the freedom I enjoyed in the past.

I have found love too, in a fashion I never quite expected, and over the months I have slowly learnt to manage a relationship (one that seems more like marriage than dating). With a wife and home, I learnt to budget expenses, fix home appliances, cook proper homemade dishes, clean the house, and buy home-use equipment and groceries. Of course, I have done this before, but not with the intent of keeping a family unit intact. It is but my first try, pardon me for any incompetence.

While it seems to most that all is going well for me (comparative to most peers; I have a great career / business path, expatriate treatment and benefits, an attractive and homely wife, nice and comfortable accommodation, etc) The heart feels empty and the shoulders feel tired. Somehow, I yearn for the very traditional kind of safety net I never had in my life – Family.

To make up for that, higher forces have arranged for me to have a small but very dependable and trustworthy group of friends, whom I have turned to in times of trouble, and have helped me time and again. It is not so different here. However, as close as friends may be, they do not replace the importance of a family. This is perhaps why I am placing a good deal of focus in fixing a family of my own, and trying to be the good husband my wife could fall back on.

But perhaps, I am still weak, and there are times when I would need a place to simply lay and rest. I would probably not need any tangible form of help, but more of the intangible, psychological and emotional support. Having been exposed to a good deal since young, I have, sadly or not, matured beyond my own age and the age of most others. I find myself constantly in the situation of solving other people’s problems, with no one to solve mine.

For tonight, I just need enlightenment on one question: Is it better to own everything you have, or to have everything you own?