I recall just three years back I would give anything for wealth and the commonly preached “financial freedom”. I recall diving at the numerous “opportunities”, thriving in some and devastated in others. I also recall my most impoverished moments, when I had SGD 1.64 left in my bank account, not enough to even withdraw for a bus ride back home. I ended up walking back to my place in CCK from Raffles Place.
Despite the poverty, the though times, and the occasional relief from a scoop (coupled with irresponsible spending habits I have yet to drop), there was freedom, there was hope and there was always something more to conquer. There was fun.
A book I purchased recently tells me to look at the consolidation of our small achievements and feel good about it. Let’s try, therefore, to piece together my humble portfolio:
Academics: Not that I have a fantastic track record. I got 260 for PSLE, 13 points for Os, CCD for As and dropped out of university after the first semester because I thought it was boring.
Military: I contracted myself with the army and got commissioned as an officer. Got to handle some larger scale projects as EXCO, such as NDP and AA.
Sports: I’ve got a little collection of medals for running, kayaking and adventure sports. Probably lost in some box at home now.
Employment: Apart from freelance design projects I take up from time to time, I have tried part-timing since 14, hopped about 8 side jobs.
Music: I play the electone (the organ with 3 keyboards). Composed about 40 songs till date, mix of mandarin and Cantonese, plus a few instrumental pieces, all nicely filed in my desktop. By the way, I sing them too. Maybe I should sign a contract with some recording company, or for that matter, I can start my own.
Art: I am beginning on a comic. Have completed the first few pages. It’s really quite tedious to render.
Literature: Written a few books, still in softcopy. Rules of the Game; an illustration of the fixed and variables of life, and the practice of detachment in the same manner as gaming. Revenge, a dish best served cold; a guide to getting back at your enemies in the peacetime. A guide to legally executing your personal vendetta. There’s also a fantasy novel about the 4th dimension. Should I get them edited and published?
Business: I have lost count of my name card variations, and have recently given up on printing anything new. About 90% of my ventures have failed, but the one going on now seems pretty promising, lucrative. Ok it doesn’t seem, it is.
Other certificates: Well I am definitely not a fan of certificates, but since the world places judgement on such trivial things, I shall name some: Counselling, Psychology, Rock Climbing, Long Distance Swimming, Management Stuff, blah blah blah…
Income: Enough to buy a car each month. Not so much because of business, but because I chanced upon a gold mine (something like that). Maybe I should go get my license now. Does it matter?
I think that’s about all I can remember off hand. Ok, I have done the exercise, and does it make me feel any better of myself? NO!
The throbbing question echoes: “What’s Next???”
I start spending as irresponsibly as I can. I throw hundreds away every day, sometimes thousands. My meals never cost less than 20 bucks, they go above 100 sometimes if I am feeling hungry. I end up sick of all the restaurant variations. (I don’t have the habit of spending on clothes though…)
I go home each weekend, sleep till the noon, watch some lousy DVD (the storylines are all the same), blast on my electone, get drunk sometimes and go to bed.
I am still keeping fit, but it seems quite pointless…
Emptiness seems to be the only gratification I derive from these “achievements”. Friends of my age can never understand the sentiments coupled with what they have not, and sadly, might never achieve. Foes are squished like ants. Love shuns itself in the glare of material success. You stand alone, atop a mountain of corpses you have passed, looking at the bleak sunset.
I still have about 50 years to go. What the hell am I to do with it!?
