THE OTHER ME

After Course Review

2010-08-12T19:44:00.000-07:00

Precursor to entering this course, I have done some simple reading at a personal level to have a better understanding of the Enneagram, the 9 types and the variants revolving around the system. Much of my mental focus during this period was placed on the application of this system at a very elementary level. Inevitably, I feel into the common trap of using this as a stereotyping tool, how shallow indeed.

This trip also started on a pretty bad note, with thunderstorms, resultant flight delays and getting all lost in the City if New York. In addition to these factors, my personal health and emotional wellbeing was at a low as well. A bumpy ride coupled with fever and numerous concerns over my various engagements all came together to put me in a very bad state to start off.

However, upon arrival at the barn, the entire atmosphere of the place embraced my being in a way words could not describe. My intuition told me immediately there was something special about this place, and true enough, once we stepped into the premises, the calmness and spiritual aura of the place immediately acted as a strong calming factor to my otherwise rampant mind.

On the first official day of the course, within the first hour, I was immediately swept off my feet. All underlying expectations were exceed, and what was presented largely differentiated from my mental picture of an academic and lecture-based approach.

The course was made up of a constant grounding exercise, spiritual hums, uplifting exercises, detailed discussions on the Enneagram types and the variations of each at different levels, plus a panel for each type that puts us in direct perspective of the type.

The warmth and human compassion was nothing more than miraculous. For the first time in a long long time, I saw people as people again, and not just objects, numbers and resource that were tools for the achievement of my purposes.

Through and through, I came to understand and accept the difference in people, and gained a much greater insight to why people behave in ways that seemingly antagonize those around them.

Self reflection also played a major role in the process, as I looked within to behold my own fears and weaknesses, and come to the ability of embracing these frightening elements of my life.

As a type 8 with a 7 wing, I have lived the most part of my life in the intense pursuit of control, and my only means of identifying with things is through exerting control (often unnecessary), on both people and things. My mantra throughout was – “If I do not have power over these elements, my very existence would be threatened”.

Tracing all the way back to our childhood origins, I came to face the helpless child within me, desperately seeking to find a place in what I perceived to be a cruel and unfeeling world. I shut off my emotions, while relying purely on my gut and head to function. Obviously, the head and gut were never aligned as the bridge between them (the heart center), was highly malfunctioning.

I often wondered why, as a Scorpio, that I could be so easy with relationships, and that no matter how much the other gave, there seemed to be no end to my hunger for lust. Perhaps, throughout my life, I have never understood fully what love meant, and therefore I deprived myself of it from the outside, while starving so much on the inside that I ended up having none to offer.

My identifying with the Type 8 personality also revealed how foolish many of my endeavours were. Whenever I slipped down the levels into the unhealthy region, whether through real or perceived threat, my immediate action would be to gather more resources (in fear of not being able to control my environment), and plus acting on my seven wing, try out new means, while not persevering enough on my current projects.

The wisdom shared during the course made me face up to the truth, that nothing I did or would do could ever put me in a position of total control. It also redefined the word “courage” in my mental dictionary, and what seemed like my “No Fear” definition of myself cringed in cowardice in the face of the all penetrating truth.

I have come to learn (and will continue learning through more experiences), that true courage arises when we are able to face our demons within, and embrace the real truth of our human self and helplessness in the world. This is the gut.

True love has always been there, as the universe sheds its kindness on man, and that we are supported in so many ways in our lives we simply take them for granted, while our ego self goes on propagating the message that we are alone and forsaken. It is only when we open our hearts to see and accept the truth, that we come to understand how interdependent we are on each other, and our environment, and that we cannot, and have never been separated from others. This is the heart.

And finally, building upon the gut and heart, the head comes in as the bridge between the universal, cosmic intelligence, and our being and actions. True knowledge is not in perceiving, but in knowing, and the knowledge has always been there, in the presence of every moment that we live. Blinded again by our egos, we see only what we want to see, therefore recording in our minds an incomplete, biased picture of the whole truth. By clearing our minds of pre-conceived notions, we make way for clarity to occur.

At the end of the day, applying this to our everyday lives, we would probably find it best to process the truth with our head, check in with our gut and intuition, and finally, make a decision that comes from the heart.

The wisdom to the Enneagram and its teachers (Don and Russ), as well as the wonderful world I live in continues to amaze me every day. While the course has come to an end, my path of personal awakening has only just begun.

I hereby express my gratitude to those who have come into my life, in which way and form, for you all have been the sum of my experiences to carve the person I am today.

Henceforth, I bow in humility to the truth, and shall live each breathing day in adherence to its boundaries, while liberating myself of my own. My greatest fears have only just surfaced, and it will be a lifetime’s work to come to terms with it. Only then, perhaps, am I in the fitting position to help others along the way of life.

Enneagram Institute (Aug 2010)

2010-08-09T22:10:00.003-07:00

This is my spiritual journey to rediscover myself. I discovered in the end I had the ability to put on 5 kgs in a week.

Growth and Expansion (Apr 2010)

2010-08-09T22:10:00.001-07:00

Ok man, got a team of 10 now, expanded the office space as well, here are some shots of my adorable guys at work.

Macau Trip (Mar 2010)

2010-08-09T22:09:00.001-07:00

One hell of a trip, this particular display at the Wynn Casino is worth a mention.

Chinese New Year (Feb 2010)

2010-08-09T22:08:00.002-07:00

Ok my return to SG after 1 year and 10 months abroad. Good to catch up with everyone.

My New Apartment (Jan 2010)

2010-08-09T22:08:00.001-07:00

Finally got my little studio, unfortunately, it shall remain uncomfortable until I buy it someday.

New Tiny Office (Jan 2010)

2010-08-09T22:07:00.001-07:00

This little office shall be where my true career in China starts. Let this small team of 4 mark the start of a brand that would last and go international in the next 10 years.

Special Farewell (31st Dec 2009)

2010-08-09T22:06:00.001-07:00

The last day of 2009 spelt the end of my term as the CEO of Boss Education China. I guess there were many ups and downs in the course of my 13 months with the company, and it’s a pity things could not go on.

Adieus to all my fellow colleagues there, and thanks to my 2 adorable babes for preparing this special farewell for me.

Christmas Party 2009

2010-08-09T22:05:00.001-07:00

This was a pretty wild party, all I remember was that I puked and then went blank…

Something from a while ago...

2009-10-14T02:20:00.000-07:00

This is an update from not too long ago, when the company was still at its previous strength. A farewell party at my place for my good old brother Huijie.

As you can see from the pictures, it was quite an event, after which I guess a lot of people got really drunk…

Oh, and I cooked!

Mountain Trip

2009-10-13T21:51:00.000-07:00

The national days for China that has just transpired gave me a break I so needed, a real break from modern cities, architecture and all, and a simple return to basics.

I went to this place called Shi Du outside the Beijing area, stayed for 3 days, ate wild vegetables for my meals and ran the mountains every day. A truly healthy lifestyle the likes of what I had when I was seventeen.

Of course, that seems to me like a distant past, now that I am once again slogging away in HK for budget approval for the next year.

China is truly a fantastic place, with endless places for scenic discovery, all not too far away from where we work…

First Update

2009-10-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

I think my blog has been abandoned for damn long, ever since China banned blogger. Thankfully, I will be spending the next few days in HK, so some blog updates of what previously happened…

These are some photos from my previous trips to Shanghai.

One day break!

2009-05-03T22:10:00.001-07:00

For as long as I can remember, I have not had a good day’s break. So on the 3 days of PH (thanks to labour day), I decided to reward myself with a little tour of Beijing.

Here, I would also like to go public with my relationship, since I think it is time. Got a great GF here in Beijing, who takes real good care of me and is smart in many ways too. Thanks to her, Huijie and myself had a good time walking all over the city, till our legs ached, all in the name of good fun.

Pictures of our little tour…

Something from my job

2009-05-03T22:09:00.001-07:00

I seldom make a post about my recent career endeavours, but I think this is worth writing about. During one of my recent seminars at the outskirts of Beijing, I encountered this little village, which houses a whole lot of student-founded businesses.

The university campus lies side by side with a little settlement, and with only housing and a school, the settlement soon became a little trade town for the university students. With their creativity and little savings, a good portion of students managed to rent shops and start their own little businesses, earning between 4 to 6k RMB per month, much more than that of a fresh grad in Beijing.

Marvelous fellas, let’s take a look at the pictures!

Best Massage

2009-05-03T22:08:00.001-07:00

Ok I know I have not posted anything for a long time, thanks to my schedule, which never seems to leave me a break, except perhaps the few wee hours of the morning. So yes, here is an account of a very interesting experience I had, one I would term as the “best massage” I have ever had in my life.

Massage parlors have been pretty much a norm in my life, at least for the recent years. However, what I normally get is a simple massage and a very posh environment, for a pretty hefty price. This place is different. The place is pretty lousy, and when I went there, which was already 1am, the whole bath area was closed… sadly ( I really wanted a chance to cleanse my sweat glands).

So I proceeded straight for the massage, plus this fire-bottle thing, a total of 381 RMB. Well worth the money, although my back still leaves marks from the previous session.

Post the session, I had the best sleep I ever had in months, and of course, it felt as if my whole body was cleansed. It’s a pricy hobby, but I guess once a month will do my body some good. Now, some disgusting pictures…

Fuck You

2009-03-19T06:16:00.001-07:00

I have never seen such a fucking stupid person in my entire life! Why do you have to lie about something that is totally harmless, thereby create unnecessary distrust between people, at this critical point where trust is everything we bloody care about?

You may have lived your goddamn life a failure, and have numerous secrets to hide, but please do NOT bloody bring your own fucking attitude to work, less your petty perceptions about how the world should work!

You have achieved NOTHING in your entire 35 years of life, with your only way of comforting your terrible failures as one of lowering your own standards and expectations. You have no right to decide of pass judgment on strategic issues, because your brain is too tiny and perspective to myopic to digest the big picture.

Whether intentionally or not, you have forced me into a situation which I totally have no obligation to play by, and have fucked up everything not achieved by a single ounce of your effort. No matter the outcome of this episode, I guarantee the rest of your life will be spent in utter miserly, with nothing going your way and every fruit of your labour robbed and distributed to people you deem most undeserving.

You have dug your own grave, and now it will be my job to put you where you finally belong.

Nemo Me Impune Lacassit!

Blah

2009-02-28T23:12:00.000-08:00

Been a long time since I have posted something in English. Guess I shouldn’t be focusing too much on one language less I totally lost touch with the other.

I guess “busy” has already become a norm in my life, waking up, getting to work on the many things I have poked my nose into, and getting back to bed at the end of the day. If there is anything about me that has grown, I believe that would be my efficiency and work capacity, which has reached a whole new level even the old me would marvel at.

It is not that I don’t feel tired or worn out after running a marathon at the speed of a sprint, but I guess my “muscles” have grown so used to it I find little meaning in feeling tired or speaking too much about it.

I guess life is still not too bad, although yes there are numerous problems to be faced with every day. What irks me a little more is the people here, for I guess I am perhaps really just a simple minded fella, and I really do not like to act of politics in social situations. I can play along, and have gotten a little better at it since so forced by the situation. However, I still do not enjoy it one bit.

I guess I have become a little indifferent towards the physical attraction between genders. I wonder why? Am I becoming like a friend of mine too? Maybe one fine day I will become a monk!

黑白心情

2009-02-18T00:06:00.000-08:00

真讽刺。春节过了才下雪。。。

不过，隔了十几年，从回天子脚下，寒风中的雪景依旧和记忆中白中带灰的黯淡景色一样，让人有些怀念过去。本人更感慨于同一个城市在事隔十几年之后，看来一样，感觉，心情和目的却全然不同。人生，是否看得越多，错过的更多。是否我们追逐着梦想，却忘记的简单的快乐。

小小的雪花扑面而来，为疲劳的脸庞带来一丝清新的爽快。希望一场雪，唤醒记忆中，拥抱快乐的潜在能力，为繁忙的生活增添一丝笑容。

匆匆上海游

2009-02-12T19:46:00.001-08:00

上周末到了上海，匆匆完成了一大堆位2009年商业计划铺路的工作，也签订了两份技术合同。终于，一切都在推进当中了！2天的行程，我也抽空和上海的朋友会面，真的很好玩，只是有些疲惫，因为时间紧凑的关系吧。

好了，分享一下上海美食街的照片。。。

More Photos From Daemon's Visit

2009-01-23T18:08:00.000-08:00

A fruitful weekend from a good friend's visit:

Dread

2009-01-07T23:24:00.001-08:00

夜深人静之时，一种莫名的寂寥总是随着窗外的风声袭至。一个没有家的人，就好像一颗没有根的树，永远无法感受到踏实，稳定的感觉。我并没有后悔走上这条不归路，毕竟，要我长年呆在一个无法突破的环境只会让我虚度此生。然而，寂寞，无助，仍然与我人生的每一步形影不离。

回想童年的时光，那时多么让人难忘的黄金时段。年少时候，谁没有梦，满腔愤慨，知己能懂。虽然已经是多年前的事，但是童年的情景依然清晰可见。父母慈祥的笑容，兄弟如手足的感情，欢乐的声音，坦诚的言语。。。这似乎已经是不可能再触摸到的过去。。。是我未来的路所不会再遇见的一种小幸福。

一路走来，已经是数不清的岁月。桌面上的镜子，映出的是一幅受到时间折腾，摧残的脸庞。眼睛里的神髓已经当然无存，剩下的是对于人类的绝望。然而，这双犹如死鱼的眼睛，仍然残留着一丝的不甘，一丁点的斗志。。。这或许是因为还活着的关系，所以依然不会沦落到对身周的一切不平袖手旁观吧。

总觉得人活着，就应该为其他人做些什么，而也不知道是不是老天作怪，我本身的梦想就比别人来的大，而自身对于“苦”的容忍能力也似乎挺不错的。但是，我是否已经把吃苦当吃补，我就不清楚了。我只知道过去的好多年，都已经吃苦吃得麻木了。哈哈哈！

为了实现一个几乎不可能的梦想，我放弃了简单的生活，一个人漂洋过海到了陌生的环境。一年的磨练，使我的意志力更加坚定，而相对的，竟能和观念都有了显著的成长。唯独，我失去了许多许多人生珍贵的东西。。。直到现在，倘若争取到一切成果，也已经完全把自己的灵魂失去了。

现在，好像已经完全忘了如何享受人生了。。。是不是应该成佛了？

Cold... Very Cold...

2008-12-22T06:43:00.000-08:00

Coming to the end of my first month in Beijing, a lot has transpired, so much I cannot even find where to begin. I shall be hiring a personal assistant to take care of my basic documentation, so as to free myself of the hassle and begin to do more business development.

The weather here is getting really cold, and I was forced to buy a cap and thicker long johns to help fight the constantly -10 or colder winds. Without a cap, I wouldn’t last for 5 minutes out in the open. My ears feel like that would drop off anytime… brrrr….

Had my first taste, after a long long long time, doing public speaking as an MC for a motivational course. Turned out to be quite fun, and perhaps finally I shall take the stage again, just as I did many years ago, this time ,with more fun and passion. Of course, I would still rather stay away from training for ever, for th job is simply too tedious for a lazy guy like me, hahaha.

Food here is good, and when it gets spicy, it really numbs your lips…

Week 1 in Beijing

2008-12-06T07:13:00.000-08:00

Counting 6 days since I touched down in Beijing, what transpired in the last 2 months seems like a long haul from where I first intended to go. None of this was very much expected, although most of this is very much welcomed. Anyhows, I have finally left the horrors of Hong Kong behind me (the sucky food, lousy variety of eye candy and very irritating transport system), and have come to where I feel most at home – China!

Now that I am here, the project shall officially kick start, although of course there is another load of things to do thanks to my personal ventures beyond the scope of my job (which amounts to a good number now – 8 I guess...)

While juggling the crazy workload, I have taken a bit of time off to tour the city I have not visited for donkey years. From the famous downtown area of Wang Fu Jing to Chao Yang to Hou Hai, the city is home to some of the most sturdy architecture within china (the buildings are all very symmetrical, not very tall, but very broad horizontally).

The food is cheap, really cheap. I get my breakfast settled for less than 5 RMB, lunch and dinner in decent restaurants for less than 20 RMB each. Transport is relatively affordable, with taxi trips normally not exceeding 50 RMB (for long distance rides of 30 minutes). Oh and shopping for groceries and all is also very affordable, I get a whole load of junk food for about 40 RMB (an assortment of cup noodles, Pocky biscuit sticks, fruit juices and other weird snacks).

The sad thing about the whole arrangement is my accommodation. I live in a bloody hotel! This means I don’t get to cook on my own… which means my culinary skills are going to deteriorate to shit! Oh well, nevermind for now, not that I will find the time or energy to conjure meals for myself.

Now, for the picture updates:

Everything

2008-10-02T11:49:00.000-07:00

After all this while, I have come to believe that all human studies are driven by a singular motive – to discover the truth, with which we can weave our way through the masses and define our own form of success, within our short span of a few decades in this realm.

Success can be further broken down into 2 main schools, the first, which finds success in knowing the truth alone (the absolute school), and the second, which leaves the definition of success to the surrounding forces, namely other people, as we no longer interact with animals to define ourselves (the relative school).

Both schools have scorned each other over the years, and have deviated such much, that like the birth of a tree, breaks itself into branches and stems and leaves, and perhaps the leaf has forgotten is was, and is still part of the tree.

Having spent most of my free time (a rather measly amount) pursuing both success and the cause behind it (the invisible forces that govern the universe and the visible forces, both natural and man-made), I have come to conclude that all knowledge can be broken down into 3 simple categories, in which we will find relation in between.

The 3 categories are basically the Spiritual, Physical and Human Schools, or in Chinese, we would write is as 天，地，人. Within and between this 3 schools, we have defined so many other schools it would be seemingly impossible (on a humble blog post), to name all of them. However, I have tried filling in the blanks to the best of my knowledge, and here goes:

The Spiritual World: The vast unknown field of information and knowledge that the universe so willingly provides, but we are somehow not able to grasp fully with our limited current intellect and our overwhelming occupation with the 2 other fields, mainly the human field.

The Physical World: The world we live and reside in, some call it earth, and some call it the 3rd Dimension, whatever. The basic physical laws that somehow govern our actions when we are conscious, or when we think we are.

The Human World: Ah, a most complicated world, a world of problems created by ourselves thanks to our inherent habit of wanting to get more by doing less – basically we are lazy creatures. A world of laws, systems and institutions. A fervent bank of articles to justify our own existence.

Of course, not all the 12 aspects can be sufficiently filled with our current vault of knowledge, and perhaps my definition is far from correct, and is again merely an addition to the billions of other perspectives out there. Nevertheless, this is my feeble attempt to consolidate the various “streams”.

By the construct of nature, we should be, by ourselves, adept enough to master all the fields of knowledge, without the help of additional tools. The vastness of the human mind is hardly tapped, but oh well, the fact that I am using a computer to type this, and words that were not formed of my own brain shows that we are (or at least I am), already incapable of fully using my physical and mental faculties.

My recent studies into astrology and what the common man would call “fortune telling” leads me to discover a rather interesting pattern; that not all are born equal, and some simply have better prospects to success than others.

I am, sadly, a fanatic of equality, and believe we are all born to a balanced universe. The explanation to the inequality can simply be found by the fact that we no longer live by natural laws. In fact, most of our life is governed not by the laws of the universe or that of earth, but by laws laid by other people. Given the fact that everyone wants to be at the top, it only makes sense that the books of law no longer spell equality, because if everyone were equal, nobody would be better than the rest, and nobody would be able to do less and take more.

However, does it mean those born of lesser chance (in a manmade world), are destined to live a lesser life. The answer is an obvious NO. Why so, as seen in the above model, not all schools are filled, and even if they were, the studies and conclusions we have reached thus far are more relative than absolute.

Our science is based largely on assumptions, brought forth by our math, which till now cannot figure out the difference between 0 and infinity, and is ridden with paradoxes. Our systems, built by man, who is flaws, are also flaws, and so perhaps while many “lawbreakers” are caught, even more escape the hands of law.

As all this reveals itself, I find my path clearer by the day. This is what I am perhaps destined to do. Wealth and power are just means of implementing change after I figure out what exactly to do with the complete set of knowledge. But first, I must figure it out…

500 Whopping Pages!

2008-10-01T12:03:00.001-07:00

It has been a long long time since I had the perseverance to finish reading a book in a single day. I guess this spells my high level of interest towards this particular topic – Ziwei Astrology. It is funny how I stumbled upon this topic that I had previous so overlooked, perhaps due to its vast complexity. It is truly by chance that I had the opportunity to be imitated into this field of knowledge, and thanks to China’s National Day, I have 1 day to spend on reading.

The profound knowledge in this field, to my surprise, does not cast one’s life in stone. Instead, it provides a basis for us to know our strengths and weaknesses, in the various key aspects of our lives, and what we may do to take advantage of (I would rather say “take advantage” than “alter”) the flow of the currents unseen by the human eye.

I believe I will spend considerable time on this area of interest, and it will definitely keep me entertained to no end (until perhaps one day, when I find the true patterns behind it).

Today was interesting, because we had fireworks display right outside our window, and tones of people flocking to the nearby waterfronts to catch a glimpse of the 30 minute performance of pyrotechnics.

Guangzhou Trip

2008-09-28T07:42:00.000-07:00

This blog entry is made from my hotel room in Guangzhou. I shall be returning to Hong Kong tomorrow morning.

Unexpectedly, this trip has been extremely fruitful. Apart from meeting the company staff here, I have picked up a new interest in the area of Ziwei Astrology. While I have already been sufficiently exposed in areas of religious, occult and western numerology / astrology methods, this form of Chinese astrology fascinates me to no end.

Thanks to us living in the age of Infotech, I need not go through the trouble to but books and browse through hundreds of pages to grasp the topic. Instead, calculation softwares and a bunch of e-books kept me entertained throughout my stay here in GZ.

I have always fought a battle within – whether we live in a random world or a world of cause and effect. I guess I have not found the answer here either, but it opened my mind to a new paradigm, one that moderates between randomness and cause / effect. I love the way the life charts and tables here so interestingly integrates the various aspects of human life, as if it were an interwoven fabric of material and immaterial aspects. All the hail wise ancients!

Of course, I am never a wasteful person, and I wouldn’t fork out 2 days of hotel stay for nothing. Apart from a newfound hobby, the main agenda of this trip manifested (finally), into a physical plan. Finally, after laying business entites all over the world, I am looking at the China Market, one that has been laid right before me but I simply didn’t have the energy to attend to.

Since my wife is from China, and I will be based here for a long long time, it is only right that I develop something here. It will be done! Coincidentally, I helped a person who is has gave me, and continues to give me endless trouble. I guess I am out of my mind, by oh well, forgiving is part of life, isn’t it?

Some photos taken from this trip (I really don’t have time for photos here).

Crazy over Milk

2008-09-22T05:04:00.001-07:00

The recent milk craze in China almost drove me mad; since my wife loves milk products and all her favorite brands seem to be those listed to be contaminated. Thankfully, I managed to contact her despite her mobile being out of service (all attributed to my skills of searching info on the net, hahahaha).

Things are busy as usual, but it is good I finally have an alignment of direction between myself and my boss (his direction for the company), so I guess I will be staying here for the time being. Of course, the other reason is personal, because no matter what, HK is way nearer to China than Singapore!

First Time so Poetic!

2008-09-18T10:16:00.000-07:00

My wife wrote this poem / message to me today. This is the first time she tried anything like that... but I guess it is quite nice and heart-warming. I shall share it here with my family and friends.

默默的思念很深

默默的祝福很真

默默的怀念难舍难分

默默的牵挂永远在心

默默的等待和你相逢

默默的我，想你太深！太深！

Happy, Very Very Happy!

2008-09-17T07:58:00.000-07:00

If the first 3 months of this year were the happiest moments of my life, they are now second to the last one week. While I must admit to having spent considerable time worrying over how this would all turn out, I guess my worries are all uncalled for.

Of course, there could only be one person in this world who could make me feel this way. 4 months apart seemed to have passed in a flash, and we looked back together at the memories we shared as if it were only yesterday. Every speck of the past seemed to piece together, and being together just seemed so natural it felt more like an inborn habit.

Of course, the main objective of the trip was to meet the parents, and so we did. I did learn a lot about the Chinese cultures and traditions during this trip, which would probably help a lot in my future dealings in the region. The city of Wuhan is really like Guangzhou 10 years ago, so laden with opportunity.

Getting back to 6 days of simple living also cleansed my internal system completely. Oh how I love this kind of a healthy lifestyle. And I must say, the food there is really fresh, simply because everything we eat is of local produce – fish, eggs, meat, vegetables and rice. Oh, and the fish is really, really good. Have never tasted better fish in my life.

So, the future, our future is pretty much laid. I have found the person I am so very determined to spend the rest of my life with. Now it is my turn to work hard to make that future possible!

Mind and Body

2008-09-08T17:31:00.001-07:00

In a long long time, I have not paced my life ina very healthy fashion, much owed to the rather busy schedule that has become some sort of a norm. Today, I made the extreme attempt to skip my sleep and last a few more hours to wake up for a morning jog at 6am (the sun is already hanging high up in the sky at this time, quite inhuman, I know).

The breath of fresh cool air, the sight of old men and women doing the morning exercise reminds me of the very healthy lifestyle I once had back in my school days (when I was 16 and 17). The regular morning runs and intensive kayaking sessions then was such a lifestyle, and such is a lifestyle that reminds us of the simple joys in keeping our body healthy.

I wonder how long I will be able to keep this up, before the next wave of errands hit me again. Nevertheless, I have realized what truth there may be in the many written text of how our mind responds to our body, and vice versa.

If we feel negative and our mind is constantly ridden with a myriad of weird thoughts, our body will fall sick easily. If we feel good, take it easy and try less to fight what will eventually become of destiny, our bodies are generally more well off and function more efficiently.

The power of the mind, and the power of physical suggestion are two things I have once again relived today.

In Dark Times

2008-09-04T12:02:00.001-07:00

It has been quite some time since my last blog post. I guess my schedule has been keeping me busy, especially during the last 2 weeks of last month, due to the ridiculous amount of media and publications I had to generate for the event.

Anyhows, things have finally come into a slower pace, and I will be taking my long awaited leave to meet a most important person, and of course, to “close a deal” that would decide who I would spend the rest of my life with.

Life has been rather strict during this period, with numerous obstacles to overcome. I must say I have not been this hardworking since a long time ago, and I wonder where I find all the fuel to spur myself on and on, spending every waking hour on work. I guess love is truly the greatest power around.

I have never thought much of motivational courses, for to a certain extent I would say I could pretty much do the same, and have done so before. However, being a student again brings oneself back to the basics, and the course of experience is significantly different. If I had any valuable take home, it would be the ingrained reminder of who I am fighting for.

I may not be able to give anything significant to those I love in my current predicament; my family members, my girlfriend and my friends. I have also faced more obstacles than I thought would have existed, and have been driven to the brink of hopelessness and madness more than several times. But… I have not given up, and be doubly assured I will never do so.

With each blow, my heart grows strongly, steelier, and more able to take pain. I admit to being impatient, and perhaps am not the best team player around. But there is a reason for this impatience, for I while I am able to tolerate incompetence, I am not able to tolerate laziness. I know the saying goes that an empire is built with more than 2 hands, but I am not at the stage of building an empire, but instead, I stand at the beginning, trying to get an engine kick-started.

I recall the days of my youth, when I often asked my teachers to not give me any project partners, and yet my projects would have topped the class, if not the entire school. Perhaps, some things can be done with my own two hands – this is my honest realization after many a disappointment. If I so desire, there is perhaps one last skill I lack – programming. I shall take 1 month to learn this.

In the darkest hour, the true champions will rise…

Feverish

2008-08-17T13:09:00.001-07:00

It’s been a while since my last post, due to my increasing job requirements and the fact that I have been down with a fever, flu and cough for the past 4 days. This illness-break seems to have put a halt to my frenzied chase of the big plans.

It is not as if things really jerk to a stop, but being forced to take a step back gives one the chance to review the entire situation and perhaps reorganize the way resources were distributed. I realized there were still many resources and contacts left on the shelf, and that perhaps it was a good time to start getting them to move.

A cash-cow engine remains the top priority, for such is the thing needed to propel the rest of the slower ROI entities / those which require heavy R&D. I am spinning my top three ways to get this stupid cash cow up, but it seems like no matter what I have to wait till next year. Isn’t there a faster way, or am I still too impatient?

I may not have begged life hard enough, but surely my almost decade-long wait for D-Day should come to an end, either that or the thing that would come to an end would be my sanity, hahaha. Don’t worry, I am not that weak, and anyways the time is not up yet. I need to wait till November, or any effort to break the digit limit will land me back at square 1.

Maybe I should just take this time to relax. No matter what, my job doesn’t even take up 10% of my capacity, although it does take up quite a lot of time.

Stupid Shit :P

2008-08-09T11:15:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it is good to just do something stupid to make yourself happy. My friend discovered a new use for a pillow that has been lying around my apartment for ages...

Adrenaline Rush!

2008-08-05T08:52:00.000-07:00

Damn! The exhilaration of things moving at my kind of speed is simply quite the moment to relish. Finally, I have found a way to work which suits me best, and at the same time not drag others into the sand and dust.

Of course, nothing concrete has been achieved yet, but things have come a long way since a couple of months ago, when I still had to brood over a loss of direction due to some twit. Perhaps it is thanks to that one twit that made me, in the fit of rage, build a plan that has become what it is today. As I continue my job here being the single organism with a brain, I shall wait patiently for my humble little outside plan to unfold into its full grandeur.

There is still a lot to learn, and while I believe I have learned a good lot, I myself know best this is hardly enough as yet. I’ll hang around for as long as I need to. Make use of me all you want, but remember to give me back something, or be sure I will take what I duly deserve when the time comes.

Big Dissapointment

2008-08-04T09:30:00.000-07:00

As I type this post, I must say I am terribly disappointed with the way this has turned out, and even more so with the one person who made it so. If that one person is reading this, you have 2 options:

1) Get pissed, as most people do, and continue the way you are. That is, if you are truly comfortable with living a life backed only by those who came before you.

2) Wake up, and start by setting priorities in your own life. Stop saying yes to everything when in the end you cannot meet the delivery of a single promise you make. Start by building some credibility, MAKE YOUR WORDS COUNT!

Sigh, am I expecting too much from people who are inherently weak? I look back at my actions in the past week and I realize I am sinking into the same pattern which brought me nothing but pain and trouble in the past; taking pity on the weak and trying to help them become something they will never become.

Over a discussion with a friend today, we covered a bit on the topic of Dharma. What is dharma? It is your place, your role and your path to walk in society, or in whichever social realm you reside in. People who are unclear of what their dharma is sinks into an endless cycle of getting lost, whining about it, and getting lost again. This also explains why most people lead screwed up lives – they are never very sure of what they are supposed to do, thus they end up screwing their own lives, and putting the blame on others for not giving them a direction.

Maybe what my boss said was right, I should really not be mixing around with those who, on one look, will go nowhere in life. Maybe there is no in between, and trying to retain a friendship with someone who will obviously slow you down, and at the same time trying to move forward in life is only going to make things ten times tougher.

Either ways, I have decided I have no time for people who refuse to help themselves. I am not here to make people happy, or to make friends (although I will do so without infringing on my basic bandwidth). I am here to make money, and lots of it so I can quickly get my first task in life over and done with.

At the end of the day, it is the things we get done that counts. With this thought in mind, I shall say:

To people who sincerely want to make it, get on the boat, and enjoy a ride you will never forget.

To people who don’t want to make it, ignore us, you are better off with the fishes.

To people who are all-talk-no-action, get off the boat, you are a burden to the team. We will all be better off without having to carry extra baggage.

The Last Leg

2008-08-01T09:05:00.001-07:00

I think a lot has happened since my last post. I have been running on full steam for approximately 5 weeks, both for work and other things, and thanks for the upcoming leave on Monday, or I may just burn out (disintegrate from within due to the engines running for too long).

During the last month, I have revisited a publication I read about 4 years ago. Indeed, re-reading a book after a few years of gathering new experiences puts a lot of things in greater clarity. Alternative perspectives may also unfold and thus allow you to see the flip side of many situations. I thank the company of a newfound friend and confidante, who have shared many nights worth of psychological support and whose advice / comments have sparked off my personal progress in leaps and bounds.

The last month was one full of unpredictables, at least within my current job. I have had a few colleagues leave the company, a change of bosses for me and a total shift in my job scope. I’m not complaining for the new situation makes better use of my skill sets, and puts me in a position to contribute more than I ever could in the past.

This situation has however affected a friend of mine quite badly, and seeing her take on my previous role without half an ounce of knowledge on what to do really makes me feel guilty. Hopefully I can try to let her benefit from my new role, at least intellectually by involving her in the discussions and lessons.

It seems that the oracle was right, and I am cursed to facing problems with the opposite gender all the time. Even if I need not conform to social norms, I find myself lost in answering to the many girls out there who have offered me more than I can ever return. I know for a fact the one that represents most of me is still my ex-wife, but the rest are simply too nice for me to hurt. Then again, this is probably just another stage in life for me to overcome.

The coming months may be a final test of my capability and endurance, a final exam before I pass from my ten-years-of-shit journey. I believe I will be, and am currently tested on the following topics, all at one go…

- Organizational Management
- Strategy and Plotting
- Creative Skills and Direction
- Sales and Marketing
- Relationships and Love
- Friendship and Loyalty
- Inner Wisdom and Peace
- Observation and Intuition
- Building MNCs

Oh oh oh… this is both fun and torturous. But then, let’s bring back the old me from Adventure Renaissance (My AR Team). My nick then was “Sheer Insanity”. Do you know why? Because I THRIVE ON PAIN!

A Call

2008-07-15T11:05:00.001-07:00

Last Saturday I received a most unexpected call, from the one person who once represented all of me, and till date, made me realize she still holds that major chunk in my heart. It has been three whole months since I last heard her voice, and almost 6 weeks since I last had any news from her (thanks to our middle-person losing her mobile in a street robbery).

Nothing eases my heart more than to know that she is doing fine, and in the good hands of her family once again. The thirty minute conversation we had sparked off with a slight abruptness, but went on well, as we chatted about everything under the sun. The common terms and style-of-speech we once shared poured forth just as naturally. After all, “knowing each other well” would be an understatement in describing our relationship.

I pretty much gather that I have lost my entire cool in this situation. 3 months ago we were forced apart by circumstance. The sudden death of a relationship, and the sudden departure from the place I already thought was my home. Nothing was concluded then, and when I thought I had finally hidden the memory away in some desolate corner of my mind (minus the lonely nights when the bliss imagery of the past would come to haunt me again), she steps back into my life.

A large part of me is ready to forsake everything here for a one-way air ticket to her side. After all, it is only true that everything in this world seems colour-less without her by my side. Her shadow still lingers in every little corner of my life, and every time I cook I am reminded of the days I had her cooking my meals.

I cannot ask to see her again, for it was me who chose to take the other path. But hearing her voice once more, and knowing that she is well is really enough reason for me to die without regret even if I were to die tomorrow.

My Favourite Suit

2008-07-05T09:55:00.000-07:00

These are some pictures taken a pretty long time ago, but only passed to me recently. Here's my favourite suit, which I don't get to wear all that often because it is simply too flashy for the regular day.

Transformation

2008-06-29T12:00:00.001-07:00

I know this is a double post within 24 hours, but I do feel the need to articulate these thoughts before they drift back into the ether.

Glad to have made the extra journey out in the night to meet an old friend I had not met in 6 months, the only person who truly shares my philosophical side. Sorry to this brother if I have misunderstood you back in April.

Apart from sharing little thoughts and ideas about business, entrepreneurship and development, the main crux of the take-home gift landed with a concrete realization that I had finally, fully made the shift from light to dark.

Ever since I entered the business world, I had always spent my personal space and time in conflict between the desire to make a name and the virtue to live without one (for those who do not understand, refer to my earlier post “The Monster without a Name”). I lamented over the fact that evil won the war a long time ago, and the world is now perpetuated by the evil lords and their minions. I refused to join the dark side, for as long as I could remember, and lived in constant danger of being trampled by them.

Recently, knowingly or not, I have made the choice to join them, and have since become somebody I would look at and despise in the past. I had the hunch this transition was in process, and rejected a possibly better relationship option than the most-blissful-days-of-my-life with my ex-wife. Today, during the family meeting, I realized I was the only one not shedding tears to the touching words and kindness of family, and over the conversation with my friend after midnight, it seems that I am no longer able to sympathize with the good.

In fact, perhaps good did not exist to begin with, and there was only evil. Then again, evil would not be evil, but nothing. The decision to create good stemmed from the decision to create god, a wisest decision by Solomon that ensured the teeming masses’ destiny to lift the elite few upon their shoulders. The good would see poverty as a virtue, and continually surround themselves with other poor people, so the rich and evil can continue to rule the world under the pretence of the good they have created.

I do think I am too good (in the sense of good and evil), for my own good, and this inner conflict have cost me more than I could ever keep count. Somehow, even if the transformation feels complete, I know somewhere inside me that little ounce of good is not removed, and for that I will probably pay another hefty price.

SG Week

2008-06-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

My one week return to Singapore has finally come to an end, and tomorrow I shall board the plane and head back to HK, where all the action is. I wonder if I have become a full-fledged workaholic, and that I can no longer relax and look at the simpler things in life.

This return trip, as with the previous, is jam-packed with a tone of meetings, mostly to regroup the resources for my little ventures and plans beyond my employment. While I still have faith in my bosses at HK, one cannot be faulted for laying some contingency plans. Admittedly, I have never been the kind to settle for a job and pension, and so my alternative route has to be something more than filling in my resume.

Thankfully, all plans seem to be smooth flowing up till this stage, and I should expect some tangible returns by the end of the year, even if it is from only one entity, it should be lucrative enough.

One surprise during this trip was catching up with the daughter of our maid (or rather, our maid ten years ago). I managed to squeeze a bit of time between an overseas video conference and the evening meetings to spend an hour or two touring the botanical gardens with our foreign friends. Some pictures taken –

Have bought all the chilli sauce and local seasonings needed to conjure up good enough meals for my dear friends, who all miss SG food so very badly. Await the return of the chef! Hahahaha!!!

Sleepless in Macau

2008-06-22T02:13:00.000-07:00

A full week of hype and running around, thanks to the chain of ceremonies and activities lined up for our company’s major event, which concluded with a not-so-fun celebration, marking the end of the hectic month.

Throughout the event, I had the luxury of having one room to myself in Macau, but not the chance to really enjoy the room simply because there wasn’t any time to sleep. What a pity. Nevertheless, here are some pictures for keepsake.

Frozen in Time

2008-06-16T12:52:00.000-07:00

As I stumbled upon my little brother’s blog today, I found a little montage he did of us 3 brothers. I must say it is nice, and it touches me in a certain way. The simple innocence of the design and the comparison of our face from our kiddy days to that of us now simply makes me marvel at the change we have all gone through, or perhaps, “Transformation” is a more adequate description.

I think I look terribly dumb as a kid, and I am quite glad it did not carry forward till today, hahaha. Upon closer observation, one would realize the bliss innocence of childhood can no longer be found on our faces, as we grow into becoming part of the crewed up society we live in today. Nevertheless, that moment frozen in time, the photos, allow us to reflect on our actions and return to being our true selves once in a while.

Kudos to WW for the excellent work!

Abyss or Light?

2008-06-10T12:40:00.001-07:00

Down to the pits again… psychologically. It seems a pattern that I revisit this point every few months, following which a breakthrough comes along. This time round, however, it seems a little different. I have just had a breakthrough a few days ago, and now I am back in the pits, facing the despair of the truth; the stupid truth I continuously lament about but cannot find a solution to – Evil had won a long time ago.

In perpetuating this miserably insignificant existence, we cross the paths of other existences, only to find at the end of the day all stories conclude as one, and that beauty and filth meet at the end of the cycle. When I say the only occupation left is robbery, it is not so far from the truth, for all that exists has been owned, and for one person to be better off you inevitably plunge another person into shit.

While I admit to having juggernaut ambitions of power and wealth, I never once sought to hold on to these things, for one knows better than to cling on to that which is so fleeting. A previous small, now larger part of me simply longs to get this pursuit over and done with, and revert to the simple pleasures of life – family, friends and the great arts.

Fortunate or not, I have embarked on a path of no turning back. I truthfully am appreciative of where this path has led me, and quite honestly life had never been so comfortable and unpredictable at the same time. The lessons learnt will go a long way with me down the journey of life, even though somehow the inner me tells that the bonds of alliance are as good as cotton threads.

I have chosen the dirty, abyssal path to quick success and wealth, but a part of me wants to retain some good in what I am doing. As Scorpio-like as I may be, I realized over time I am actually less ruthless than perceived. I don’t really screw my enemy big time, and I forget being shortchanged almost instantly. Even amidst the political game of kings and pawns, I try my best to retain a human touch.

Everyone up there tells me to cast aside this face, and release the devil in me, so that I may stay on track. I sincerely hope I do not need to do so. What is the point of creating a monster when at the end of the day all it can do is destroy?

Karaoke

2008-06-08T09:47:00.001-07:00

Yesterday I went for a decently satisfying karaoke session with 2 colleagues. Just 3 people makes the singing a lot less rowdy and a lot more fulfilling. Some crappy pictures with added effects, all in the name of good fun.

Cooking!

2008-06-01T06:16:00.000-07:00

The first time after 5 months, we decided to cook something… it’s really quite oishi!

Some Updates...

2008-06-01T02:11:00.001-07:00

Just spent an hour cleaning up my apartment. It has always been a pleasure to clean up this 600 sqft of land, upon which I dwell with a friend of mine (who never fails to mess the place up, though he does clean it occasionally). Since this fella is now overseas, it is my chance to revert the apartment to inhabitable conditions.

It seems, however much I have learnt over the past months, what is tangibly realized is limited to almost nothing. I sometimes wonder if it is only my impatience, or is it the lumbering bureaucracy of giant organizations to limit moving of funds and resources in a desirable fashion.

Again, I have to thank the friends I have here for the emotional and intellectual support, from which I have drawn my energies to perform in these literally hopeless conditions. The “family” here has grown closer over time, and with the discovery that the apartment management is giving out free pots and pans, we have taken the liberty to cook everything we could, conjuring up decent home-cook meals from time to time.

I should be returning to Singapore sometime soon to do up my visa for entering China (the restrictions of the 2008 Olympics). The visa, however, seems as good as nothing, since it only facilitates single and double entry. Whatever the case, we will find a way. Worst case would be China staff coming over for meetings during the 2 months.

Plan B will roll of Plan A fails. It has always been t he case. I am working on it…

Chess

2008-05-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

Almost 5 months into this job, everything seems to get clearer by the day. The choice of foregoing everything back home and revert back to a salaried worker is not one I will ever regret, not just for the exposure given, but also for the opportunity.

As I carefully tread my way in this organization, under the cover of my friend and boss, personalities and systems unfold themselves in an uncanny, yet intriguing manner. Allies and enemies seem to switch places almost instantly, as we play a game of chess where nobody sees the entirety of the board.

The camps are built, and the ball is ready to roll. Perhaps it is at this point where I find myself a little lost, or should I say, hesitant. I am no doubt in the camp of the capable and upcoming, but is this truly the way of the game in this organization? Past examples have only shown one thing – it is not those who work who will get the credit, but those will tickle the balls of the big boss up there.

Anyhows, I believe my own strategy will hatch by the end of today. My brain only tweaks at night…

Some pictures of cosmopolitan Shanghai, where I spent the last week.

The Monster without a Name

2008-05-22T11:46:00.000-07:00

In a land far away, there was a monster without a name
The monster wanted a name so badly
So he left on a journey to find his name but the world was too large, and he split into 2,
One to the east
One to the west

The monster who went to the east reached a village
And met a blacksmith
“Mr. Blacksmith, please give me your name”
“You can’t give away your name”
“If you give me your name, I’ll enter you and make you stronger”
“Ok, if so, you may have my name”

The monster became Otto the blacksmith
Otto the blacksmith became the strongest person in the village
But one day he said, “Look at me, look at me. Look at how large the monster inside me has become.”
Crunch! Crunch!
Munch! Munch!
Chomp! Chomp!
Gulp!

The hungry monster ate Otto from inside out,
And the monster became nameless again.

The monster entered Hans the Shoemaker.
Crunch! Crunch!
Munch! Munch!
Chomp! Chomp!
Gulp!
The hungry monster ate Hans from inside out,
And the monster became nameless again.

The monster entered Thomas the Hunter.
Crunch! Crunch!
Munch! Munch!
Chomp! Chomp!
Gulp!
The hungry monster ate Thomas from inside out,
And the monster became nameless again.

The monster came to a castle looking for a wonderful name.
In the castle, there was a sick boy.
“Please give me your name, I will make you stronger and make you well”
“If you can make me recover, you may have my name”

The boy recovered.
The king was so pleased, “The Prince is well! The Prince is well!”
The monster liked the boys name
He also liked living in the castle
So he endured his hungry, even as his stomach growled.

But one way, he could no longer contain his hunger.
“Look at me, look at me. Look at how large the monster inside me has become.”
The prince ate the king, his generals and servants.
Crunch! Crunch!
Munch! Munch!
Chomp! Chomp!
Gulp!

Since there was no one there anymore,
The prince left the castle, and continued on the journey.

He kept on walking for days and days
One day, the prince met the monster who travelled to the west.

“I have a name, it is a wonderful name too!” the prince said.
The monster who went to the west said,
“I don’t need a name, I am happy even without one.
We just have to accept that we are monsters without a name.”

The prince ate the monster that went to the west.
He finally had a name,
but all the people who could call him by that name had disappeared.
And Johann was such a wonderful name too.

A bit about Me

2008-05-22T09:51:00.001-07:00

What Jerome Ang Woon Han Means

You are fair, honest, and logical. You are a natural leader, and people respect you.
You never give up, and you will succeed... even if it takes you a hundred tries.
You are rational enough to see every part of a problem. You are great at giving other people advice.

You are friendly, charming, and warm. You get along with almost everyone.
You work hard not to rock the boat. Your easy going attitude brings people together.
At times, you can be a little flaky and irresponsible. But for the important things, you pull it together.

You are wild, crazy, and a huge rebel. You're always up to something.
You have a ton of energy, and most people can't handle you. You're very intense.
You definitely are a handful, and you're likely to get in trouble. But your kind of trouble is a lot of fun.

You are well rounded, with a complete perspective on life.
You are solid and dependable. You are loyal, and people can count on you.
At times, you can be a bit too serious. You tend to put too much pressure on yourself.

You are confident, self assured, and capable. You are not easily intimidated.
You master any and all skills easily. You don't have to work hard for what you want.
You make your life out to be exactly how you want it. And you'll knock down anyone who gets in your way!

You are usually the best at everything ... you strive for perfection.
You are confident, authoritative, and aggressive.
You have the classic "Type A" personality.

You are very intuitive and wise. You understand the world better than most people.
You also have a very active imagination. You often get carried away with your thoughts.
You are prone to a little paranoia and jealousy. You sometimes go overboard in interpreting signals.

You are deeply philosophical and thoughtful. You tend to analyze every aspect of your life.
You are intuitive, brilliant, and quite introverted. You value your time alone.
Often times, you are grumpy with other people. You don't appreciate them trying to interfere in your affairs.

You are very charming... dangerously so. You have the potential to break a lot of hearts.
You know how what you want, how to get it, and that you will get it.
You have the power to rule the world. Let's hope you're a benevolent dictator!

You are truly an original person. You have amazing ideas, and the power to carry them out.
Success comes rather easily for you... especially in business and academia.
Some people find you to be selfish and a bit overbearing. You're a strong person.

What's" Your Name's Hidden Meaning?

To Love

2008-05-12T10:28:00.001-07:00

After all that has transpired, I have come to believe in the words of the wise, which I understood on the surface but only began to instinctively internalize in the recent months. “Life is about creating new experiences, and in each, we learn how to give and receive in a balanced way. Chase it too hard, and it will run away from you; too little, and it will never come close enough”.

The game of predator and prey has been played in fascinating scenarios, and replays itself over and over again, before our eyes, till we finally learn to perfect it and hold on to that one thing firmly. In most of my past relationships, I dived in head first, and gave so blindly I forgot to ask if the other party was already overfed. In past ventures and endeavours, I did pretty much the same, always playing by my own silly rules and expectations.

Recently, I had been blessed to be on the receiving end, not that it felt comfortable (for I have come into the habit of giving more than receiving). Nevertheless, it was a consolation to my then scarred soul, torn mercilessly by my own folly to trying to build a family before I even understood what it meant. To that person who came by and stayed for 13 days of my life, I can only give her my eternal gratitude, but not love, for love is something that requires the right dose of everything to start, and the right attitude and character to nurture.

To my new girlfriend, who courageously took on the choice to maintain a long-distance relationship with me, I promise my hearts conviction to make this work. Yes, we will never know who is right, and it is eventually really up to us to make it right. I believe so in every one of my relationships. I will not hold back in fear of pain, for it is the pain that makes us grow. I shall, however, be wiser with each lesson and learn to love in the correct fashion so that the other party enjoys both the love I provide, and the freedom when I withdraw occasionally.
As it is with my career now, I may not be able to offer much more than a whole heart. As much as the oracle says, I believe the future is still for one to forge personally. If at this point I were to choose between the random and cause-and-effect universe, I would choose the later, for at least it justifies the efforts.

To my family members, by dad and mum, grandmother and brothers, I have not been a very good brother, short of temper and lagging in achievements. A rebel since a young age, I was perhaps a bad example in both conventional and practical terms. I cannot offer much with my measly self now, and may only work hard to open a future brighter than the current one.

I have never believed in a single religion, and have taken pride in knowing a little of many. But here, I’d like to pray, to whoever is up there, and offer my greatest gratitude and thanks to the many great friends I have met here who have brightened my every day in this foreign land that would otherwise be an arena of ruthless cutthroat-ing.

I’d like to send my love to my family, girlfriend and friends back in Singapore, even though they may be 3.5 hours flight time away, and wish for their wellness and happiness, and that they find fulfillment with each step they take to discover themselves.

With this note, I end today, hoping, yet happy.

6 Days in SG

2008-05-06T10:04:00.001-07:00

My 6 days in Singapore seemed to have flashed past in an instant. With a schedule fully packed before I even touched down, I could only try to further squeeze my time to make sure I meet up with family and friends, amidst trying to accomplish the key tasks of this trip.

Glad I was at least able to have a proper dinner with the whole family, and really happy to see dad and mum back on cordial talking terms. WW’s issue seems to be settled on the surface, and I hope everything ends amicably for him. Honestly, he needs to learn how to stand up for himself. As for WJ, glad he found some balance in life through his GF. Finally I start to intuitively understand a bit of what he’s trying to do. What a foolish, but thoughtful way of protecting those he cares for… sigh… I wouldn’t be able to help him, would I? Anyways, to both my brothers, try to understand each other more.

A good friend of mine has taken to some serious training in divination, and has apparently become quite good at it. I shall await his full report on the upcoming years of my life. Though logic tells me such things should not be taken wholesale, it is always good as reference material; to consider more and move with more caution.

Then again, amidst the fruitful meetings and business developments with the representatives of various countries, I had to put up with meetings a few clowns, and entertaining the rubbish they spill forth. Ok, count that as entertainment and it ain’t all so bad.

Really tired, but fulfilled. Back to work in HK now…

Back to Nature

2008-04-29T09:15:00.000-07:00

Took a break from the modern city life, to retreat into the mountains, back to the embrace of Mother Nature, back to where one’s heart feels most at ease. The sun, wind, water rain and mist, that which envelopes you, making you feel part of this world, that you are never lost, nor alone.

Nothing much to say, the scenery and air is good is guess…

Goodbye my Wife

2008-04-23T11:52:00.001-07:00

The dream has finally come to an end, in a rather abrupt fashion. Yesterday I woke up for the last time from my bed in Zhuhai, putting an end to the dreamy, homely life I have led for the past 3 months. Admittedly, it was a losing deal from the start (if I were to view it as a deal). Most of my friends objected to the arrangement, and even I know for sure I could get a better deal elsewhere. Nevertheless, I persisted.

Looking back at the past 3 months, it was probably the happiest time of my life. Other than a small misunderstanding while I was in Malaysia, there could not have been a sweeter experience. I have never wanted to spend my emotional life with a capable or lavishly attractive sort. A simple, homely life was that which I longed for, and got in full for the past 3 months.

If not for the recent quarrel, which finally made me realize the fact that this relationship would end up nowhere, I may just continue to drown myself in this mirage of paradise. As much as we may love each other, we live in a practical world where unconditional love is found only in stories and dramas. The concerns of reality and other equally important obligations have finally led to this.

I actually marvel at the fact that, for the first time in my life, I am actually more worried for the other party after the breakup. For starters, our income levels are worlds apart, and she would probably never attain my income standards in her entire life, neither would she even make anything close to the allowance I give her every month. To make things worse, she does not have a wide circle of friends, nor wise enough friends to give her advice and aid in such situations. Materially, my life would only get better, and hers would only get worse.

On my part, perhaps the only thing that would pain me is the endless memories we share. Unlike normal dating, we literally lived together for 3 months, eating, sleeping, going out, doing household chores, cooking, etc; everything a married couple would do. The memories we share continue to follow me wherever I go. My wardrobe still contains the clothes and scarf she bought / made for me. My PC still holds the albums of pictures we took, remnants of the memories we shared. It is as if we were forced apart by circumstance when everything was still good.

In any case, there would be no reason for me to see her again. I can only wish for her to find a better person in future, who could provide for her more than I could, and that she would find happiness in that.

To the wife whom I once held so close, take care of yourself and move on in life. My capability may not be enough to hold our love together, but this is not the end. You will find, if only you are willing to look beyond me, that life is still beautiful. Regardless of what others may say, you have been a great wife to me, and I may never find another like you. You will always stay in my heart as a part of me, till the day I die.

Questions...

2008-04-19T10:37:00.001-07:00

Amidst the frenzied pursuit of fame and fortune, the more silent moments of the night sees me in deep thought, over the more fundamental reasons of our existence and efforts. Today has been a rather slow day, with the fulfillment of simple operational requirements and routine meetings with representatives of the involved entities.

With the hurricane 150 kilometres off our shores, the heavy downpour kept us in the apartment most of the time, with the exception of going out for dinner and buying a vacuum cleaner (which my roommate insisted on since he was so engrossed in spring cleaning today, mostly to past time).

Looking back at life over the past years, it seems as if a lot has changed, yet at the same time nothing has really changed. I have acquired knowledge, experience, and the connections and networks to implement more than I ever could. The recent choice to discard the option of my lone journey has proved worthwhile, and in exchange of the lessons and exposure, I trade the freedom I enjoyed in the past.

I have found love too, in a fashion I never quite expected, and over the months I have slowly learnt to manage a relationship (one that seems more like marriage than dating). With a wife and home, I learnt to budget expenses, fix home appliances, cook proper homemade dishes, clean the house, and buy home-use equipment and groceries. Of course, I have done this before, but not with the intent of keeping a family unit intact. It is but my first try, pardon me for any incompetence.

While it seems to most that all is going well for me (comparative to most peers; I have a great career / business path, expatriate treatment and benefits, an attractive and homely wife, nice and comfortable accommodation, etc) The heart feels empty and the shoulders feel tired. Somehow, I yearn for the very traditional kind of safety net I never had in my life – Family.

To make up for that, higher forces have arranged for me to have a small but very dependable and trustworthy group of friends, whom I have turned to in times of trouble, and have helped me time and again. It is not so different here. However, as close as friends may be, they do not replace the importance of a family. This is perhaps why I am placing a good deal of focus in fixing a family of my own, and trying to be the good husband my wife could fall back on.

But perhaps, I am still weak, and there are times when I would need a place to simply lay and rest. I would probably not need any tangible form of help, but more of the intangible, psychological and emotional support. Having been exposed to a good deal since young, I have, sadly or not, matured beyond my own age and the age of most others. I find myself constantly in the situation of solving other people’s problems, with no one to solve mine.

For tonight, I just need enlightenment on one question: Is it better to own everything you have, or to have everything you own?

Lessons and Change

2008-04-17T12:01:00.000-07:00

I realize I am getting less and less sleep as the days go by. Perhaps it is the hyper activeness of the brain, acquired over time as I immerse myself in this environment where not one moment is the mind allowed to rest.

If discipline is not practiced habitually here, consequences could be fatal. I have learnt, at the very least:

· Think before you speak, every word counts.
· Spend your time wisely, entertain those who add value, don’t waste too much time on idiots. We only have so much time in our lives.
· Never let them know you, but spend enough time knowing them.
· Not all weak people are hopeless; some of them make good alliances if groomed properly.
· Discard all rules. Bullets don’t fly straight.
· The objective is all that matters, the means are no matter. Of course, do take into consideration your own conscience.

On a lighter note, I seem to have acquired this habit from my peers here. I no longer have the patience with people who cannot get to the point, or those who cannot present anything more than a puny proposal. Then again, perhaps I do not have the luxury of patience.

Grandfather's Birthday

2008-04-16T09:41:00.001-07:00

Today is my second time in 3 months visiting my grandfather, who lives in HK but I need to cross 2 mountain ranges to reach. Normal cab fare there would be approximately HKD 450, a one hour trip, so visiting during this crazily busy period seems a rather tedious task.

Nevertheless, today was his 71st birthday, and relatives from Singapore and HK gathered, so I guess missing this one would be a bit too unacceptable. Good to catch up with my grand-aunts and all. Finally, I get to meet my “little grandmother”, my grandfather’s third wife who is only slightly older than me. There were also my aunts, who are really just a few years older, and they kept insisting I call them by name.

Of course, there was this cousin, 2 years old. My my, I find it quite hard to imagine the age gap versus generation gap. 2 hours of intensive Cantonese conversation seemed to have helped quite a bit in picking up this dialect.

In the end, despite the long journey, it was truly worthwhile to find that in such a remote place where the only thing on my mind was work and business, there are at least family members around.

Adventure

2008-04-10T12:59:00.000-07:00

I am not tired. I simply cannot find the lack of energy to put my weary body to sleep. If my life was a roller coaster ride for the past 10 years, magnified tenfold over the span of last year, it seems to have finally come to an end over the past month.

While the future seems more predictable and controllable, the rate of daily change has not ceased. The only difference is that everyday something good happens (not to say negative elements don’t appear, but they just don’t seem very important or impactful anymore). Perhaps it is the change in situation, perhaps I can attribute it to my personal growth over the past 3 months. Regardless, I am thoroughly enjoying this adventure.

Of course, I have not taken the future for granted, and I can only be assured the challenges ahead will only be greater. At this juncture, one of the key considerations on my mind is actually how to help the allies I have back in Singapore.

Being entreched in a society where nothing is for real, and where the government cooks up contorted stories of entrepreneurship and enterprise, it is inevitable that the obscured view churns a mass of frogs in wells. What is deemed as talent and capability there comes with a crazy price tag, and for the same kind of manpower, we can get them at one tenth the price here.

While Singapore claims to be promoting the spirit of enterprise, its barriers to entrepreneurship, beyond the administrative aspects, are huge, almost insurmountable to most. The attrition rate of registered businesses remain at the 90% high, with the remaining 10% struggling to get past their third year.

In the 4 categories of markets, Singapore sports only 2 – Monopolies and Perfect Competitions. Monopolies owned by government bodies and elites, and Perfect Competition grounds open to the masses who wish to forge a ricebowl beyond the conventional payroll – Retail or project based incomes.

The daily papers continue to report new business ideas, and very viable ones. The only problem is the reception of these ideas at the end of consumers, who don’t have enough to spend, and don’t come with enough volume (4 million with sky high credit card debts isn’t going to pull off new startups).

In the next year, while laying my foundations here, I shall place considerable focus in bringing my Singaporean counterparts to these regions for a good ride. Of course, their own mental preparation and proficiency continues to remain their own perogative.

For those who wish to reach out to these parts, I will have the platform in due time, in almost any line possible. Just make sure you have a sound revenue model. This is not an arena where you speaking of empty dreams and passion. This is a live cutthroat scenario where only the strong will survive.

129

2008-04-08T10:29:00.001-07:00

It’s been a rather hectic day today. Good to have the budgets finally approved so actual acquisition of staff and inventory can finally take place. The coming month will be great fun, and of course, a great time for the first harvest!

Ryan Goh from Rooks has visited this site again. True to his promise that he is not done, he continues to use MY BLOG to attempt to defame me, obviously not to much success, as he is probably the only one reading this blog (other than a few personal friends).

He even started blogging a while ago, writing for himself (and perhaps me) to read, compiling a list of “evidence” he claims and a tribunal order he mistook for a court order. Probably with the understanding that nobody reads his compilations, he attempted to use my c-box and comments pages to re-route web traffic to his blog. Poor soul.

He once again rejected my offered amount, as it seems to me, he may be 30 years of age but what resides in his thick skull does not seem to have grown from 27 years ago. He chose to wage war against me, and having lost the majority of battles, decided to call for peace. In all paths of history, I have yet to see such a thick-skinned person. If you want war, fight it to the end. If you are not sure you can win, don’t be so quick to make enemies.

I believe enough liberty has been given to this clown to vandalise my little online dairy. As such, I have decided to put an end to this battle on my territory. I am sure he will continue to post on his own blog, but I leave it to him to garner his own audience (instead of stealing mine).

My very last and sincere advice to Ryan, don’t try to piss me off further. I may be too busy to attend to your childish gimmicks now, but should I find enough time one day, pray hard I have forgotten about you. For if I don’t, I may actually try to find entertainment in dismantling you for good (of course, in a fully legal fashion). As some of my friends here say, you don’t even know what you are messing with.

Forward!

2008-04-07T11:57:00.000-07:00

A friend asked me, “Where would we be at the end of the year?” I claimed not to know. But of course, both of us knew it was only a matter of time before our wings spread to bring us to heights we only dreamt of.

The flurry of developments and opportunities have taken me to places far beyond the expectations a mundane mind could conceive. Almost on a daily basis, I am visiting new places, meeting new people and traveling across countries. My passport has been stamped countless times in the past months, and if this continues, I may need a new one real soon.

Relationships and friendships have also matured over time, bringing forth greater understanding and concern mutually, definitely a healthy course to take for the forging of lasting ties.

If there is one decision I will never live to regret, it is that which brought me to this place and time.

Giant Growth (+3/+3)

2008-04-03T13:11:00.000-07:00

I will not be able to sleep well for the next few days, for very good and desirable reasons of course. It seems like the energy and synergy of the past is returning, as old allies return to rejoin the battle yet to be completed.

Opportunities spring forth, clouding one’s vision, so that only those clear at heart can make it through this jagged maze of illusions. Many will be lost along the way, and more shall fall prey to the temptations laid behind each bend. I pray to be able to hold on to my own truth in this game where there are none.

Finally the stage is set. In the past 4 years of seeming slumber, I have never once forgotten the need to accomplish the unfinished. The time has come, my friends, and we shall take from the world what is long overdue. Hang on, my brothers, for beyond this sand dune you shall find the oasis to quench your thirst.

To those who have once chosen to raise their swords against me, or have knowingly taken advantage of my more honest state while I was in slumber, I do not seek revenge, not because you do not deserve it, but for the simple fact that it is not worth my time. Old and trusty allies shall find renewed strength and resources, generously shared. Old foes shall vanish into the shade of the past.

The mental transition is complete, so it leaves the gradually, but surely astounding growth of the physique. Where will I be at the end of this year? I can’t tell exactly. I only know it will definitely be somewhere nice.

I Love Translations

2008-04-01T00:49:00.001-07:00

This country never fails to provide me with an endless source of entertainment...

Langham

2008-03-27T21:37:00.000-07:00

Took a walk at Langham Place yesterday, caught my first movie in HK, and stuffed myself with lots of food. The following are some random pictures:

Learning...

2008-03-26T06:44:00.001-07:00

Everything is at the peak of the hype now. With the full team back in action, things are moving faster than ever before, and structures are slowly, but surely falling in place for the future grand plan.

As a take a step back to look at all that has transpired in the past 2 months, I can’t contain the gratitude towards the people who have made this opportunity possible. Though the initial months were tough, the fruits are slowly paying off, as I start to understand how the game is being played, and my role in this game.

Looking back, everything that I’ve ever done now seems mediocre, if not totally unworthy of mention, in the face of current challenges. If I may belittle the past me a little more, I would say that only now have I truly started doing business, and only now do I truly understand the meaning of a business plan (opposed to a business proposal).

Simply put, a proposal tells you how to set up and operate the business in a profitable fashion, and that’s about all. A business plan is how you play the game to make sure your hotels and houses populate the monopoly board. Business proposals are quite standard, but a business plan encompasses all possibilities under the sun.

Putting a good proposal was never too difficult, for I have already trained my brain to click in that direction, and it has been thus for the past 10 years. Unfortunately, none of my proposals were quite fully executed, perhaps because I didn’t have a good plan, or did not execute it with enough precision. This place is perhaps the best training ground for such skills.

Somehow, people still get to me via MSN even though I have made a point to disconnect myself from trivial acquaintances back in SG. For the past 2 days, I had this lady (whom I knew through a friend), pestering me to supply her with my suppliers and clients database for corporate gifts. Though I am no longer running the business, seriously, there is no such thing as a free mean in this world. The thought of such ignorance is simply quite entertaining, albeit a little irritating.

It is good, for once, to understand how much I do not know.

Something I Can't Do

2008-03-23T08:47:00.000-07:00

Though my weekend trip back home was short, and more time was spent at meetings and a property sourcing, I did manage to spend the evening with my wife. For the purpose of slimming, she bought a hoola-hup, and demonstrated the phenomenal skill of keeping it spinning while reading a book and talking to me for a whole 30 minutes.

I can't even keep the hoop spinning for 30 seconds...

Eating...

2008-03-19T11:02:00.000-07:00

This week we hosted a group of US developers. Great fun hanging out with these guys! Yesterday was Pete's birthday. Had a crazy meal at some Spanish Restaurant, a lot of squid ink squids, looks terrible, tastes fantastic!

Today's dinner was another restaurant, to satisfy our Indian friend...

Balance and Preparation

2008-03-18T04:14:00.001-07:00

Practiced some positive thinking today. Sounds like an easy task, but sometimes when being bogged down by numerous trains of thought (when concurrently handling several projects of different nature), can be tough.

Looking at the brighter side of things, for instance, instead of crying over resources one does not have, look at the resources already available and how to make the most out of them. Balance work, friends and leisure, and make sure one does not get too lopsided in either aspect.

Had a good chat with some old friends over MSN, glad to know our long term goals still remain unchanged, and that each is growing substantially towards their desired form. Really looking forward to catching up with them, but if would be a little tough to coordinate the schedules of people who lives off the suitcase.

A friend should be coming in from London in the next 2 weeks, and since we both share a passion for good food, I believe his stay will be as memorable as me hosting him. The possibility of new opportunities should also not be discounted, since both of us once shared the same vision.

This year is one of laying foundations and weeding out hindrances. Next year should see a good harvest!

Interesting Things

2008-03-17T11:46:00.000-07:00

Had a good chat with a friend over a smoothie and shee-sha this afternoon. Sometimes I have to admire him for his mental resilience when it comes to being patient and living in a wholesome manner. His move to Hong Kong was held in limbo longer than mine, and his job scope is also less visible, yet he hangs in there all well and good, and even manages to entertain himself and others around him in such conditions.

Patience is one thing I admittedly suck at. When I have something on my mind, it won’t rest till it is completed. Back home where most factors were still within one’s grasp, it was easy. In the current ball game where players take far longer to pass the ball, I find myself running wild hatching 10 ideas a week but completing only one every 3 months. Patience, I must learn…

Will be working with some Americans over the next 3 weeks. Pleasure to have some professionals of the IT field around, and there will sure be a lot to pick up from them. I also realized that Asian hospitality does not go well with these people, for they prefer some solitude and spiritual peace to the Asian’s daily dose of wine and women. I like them, they make me live healthier!

I have recently revived my tag-board and comments box, and have sure received some overwhelming response from a certain “You knoe who”. For those who read this blog, do pay special attention to the tag-board, which I believe will be populated by this clown for as long as he lives. For those who do not have the whole story, I shall illustrate a little, since I am still too awake.

- Start of Story -

Sometime last year, I ordered a bunch of corporate gifts for my company’s key client – Merrill Lynch, from this supplier called “Rooks”, a sole proprietorship owned by Ryan Goh. I did not transact the deals with Ryan personally, but through his partner; Kevin, whom I met over a networking session and had a few drinks with.

Despite them being untested, I gave them 3 deals – 900 polo tees, 1000 plush bulls and 800 balloons, all delivered as part of a corporate branding project for ML. Admittedly, the deals were scheduled on tight timelines, but I was assured by Kevin, who represented Rooks, that the items will be delivered on the dates stipulated on the quotations, which I signed and they countersigned.

The first bulk of 100 polo tees arrived, late due to some car-breakdown, so basically delivery was already 1 day late. To make things worse, a good percentage of the t-shirts’ colours ran, and red became pink in a single wash. Major screw-up… nevermind, I managed to pacify ML and gave the suppliers notice to rectify the following points:

- Printing error
- Change of fabric for colours that ran
- Increase in quantity (50 pieces for compensation)

Again, I was assured that the second bulk would not see anymore problems, and I got an extension of 10 days from ML for the supplier to rectify the situation. Of course, the second bulk arrived with the same errors, nothing was rectified. Imagine the damages for an event where all the staff of a major bank wore discoloured shirts! Not forgetting the fact that ML was my company’s largest and most supportive client.

Over a phone conversation with Ryan prior to the delivery of goods, I mentioned in passing the need to share damages, and was threatened with a NIL-Delivery of the remaining plush bulls and balloons. Being stuck in the situation, I had little choice but to play along. At this point it was pretty much the nail in the coffin already, for who would have supplied faulty goods and yet so shamelessly ask for the full payment? Even taxi-drivers know how to give discounts for taking the wrong route.

In the end, the balloons were delivered ok, but the plush bulls came in 2 days late, and some of the mouths did not open properly. Paid the full amount for the balloons and the 50% deposit for the plush bulls by then. Having decided that there will be no way my company is paying the full amount for the discoloured shirts, I had expected Rooks to contest the case at court, where a decent judgment would be passed (normally the supplier would have to bear the loss of profit, if it were deemed their fault, had previous cases and all were settled in such a fashion).

Instead, Ryan decided to take the law into his own hands, and seemingly he did not understand the difference between a business deal and a personal matter. While I don’t particularly fault him for calling, to call persons totally not involved in the matter (my friends and family, and even the family of my partner), on a close-to-hourly basis is simply harassment (he probably still doesn’t understand this).

He also took the effort to send a fax, to a Hong Kong Company which I DO NOT WORK FOR. Wonder where he got his intel… even got the wrong company.

As we exchanged a chain of emails (since I was in HK), he insistently wanted to settle out of court, but his offer sucked so there was no way we could agree. When we finally agreed on an amount of 5k (remainder payment is written by him on my tag-board), he backed out again for whatever reason.

News from rooks vanished since then, and now that I have revived my tag-board, apparently new developments have sprung up. Rooks have won the court case (which I have not even heard of, nor received notification to attend). They have also not provided any evidence of the court’s ruling. SMS threats have also been sent to my partner in Singapore, suggesting he move away from his home and so on. The police are currently working on this case.

- End of Story -

Till date, Ryan remains headstrong and proud, almost as if he is willing to perish with his belief that he deserves the full payment. He regularly visits this blog to vandalise my tag-board, under the mask of “You knoe who”. He fondly believes that in doing so, he will destroy my reputation in Singapore (and maybe worldwide, since it’s called the World-Wide-Web).

While I do not have anything close to a “reputation” in Singapore, I know for a fact that I do not keep friends randomly, and those that know me will not be swayed by words of a clown. Neither will my long time suppliers (whom I have known for longer than he has been in business), break contact for such a case. In fact, prior to my departure, they were still kind enough to pass me whatever they could (from their inventory), to fill my needs in a foreign land, and still continue referring clients.

To Ryan, who would definitely be reading this, you can expect an upcoming case with the police / state, with a non-compoundable charge. What little legal knowledge I have tells me the minimum penalty is a 5k fine. I believe you get to keep your beddings at the worst case.

Contrast

2008-03-12T09:50:00.000-07:00

As the dust settles and the scores of the previous year are counted and tallied, new opportunities burst forth like flowers blooming in the light of spring. Recounting the steps I have taken in the past 2 months, the woes of yester-year seem a far cry away when contrasted against the fresh challenges of undiscovered new ground.

As the saying goes, never comment until you have experienced it yourself. Remember the days of discussions with peers back in my measly homeland, the illusions we conjured for ourselves about our China counterparts – It was all rubbish.

Coming to understand the people and lifestyle here, living and eating with them, almost topples all my previous assumptions. The general Singaporean mindset of China-men is both ill-informed and utterly naïve. Singaporeans, mostly through gossip and coffee-talk, have concluded the China-men to be unscrupulously street-smart creatures out to empty your wallets. That is not true.

In fact, whether it is China, Hong Kong, Malaysia or Singapore, sheep are sheep. They may speak in different languages, but their mentality will ever grow out of the simplicity that makes them what they are. There is no need to fear, for if you have the capability of flying above, black or white, they are but a portion of the moving landscape. You can only be lost if you choose walk as one of them.

Stepping out of Singapore could not have been a better decision. Though I may have been short-changed a little in the first few weeks, the takeaway in the long term from this endeavour totally justifies the initial loss. Though I hate to have to be judgmental, a look back also reveals the capabilities (or rather, lack of capability) of those I have come across back in Singapore.

While there are a few who I still respect and acknowledge, the majority are just idiots stuck in a small world, like guppies fighting for fish food in a tiny tank. Though I may have hated my current self in the past (As in what makes the people up there so great that they can’t spare a minute to talk), I now come to realize why the people down there don’t deserve the attention; Their topics and thought flow is so myopic it is almost suffocating to engage in conversation.

And then there comes the residual freebies of the Singaporean entrepreneurial craze – The young entrepreneur wannabes. Honestly, I have almost come to the point of hating the word “entrepreneur”, or rather, hating the way it has been awarded to so many undeserving fools with a business registration number and a freelance engagement. Seriously, I have neither interest in meeting these people nor sharing their ideas (less sharing my ideas with them, for they would not even understand).

Kiss the networking sessions goodbye. Tell those fools:

- I am not interested in a business plan that has no originality and unknown profitability.
- I am not interested in making a quick buck of a few thousand (I can visit the casino for that)
- I am not interested in new designs for old commodities. You are trying yourself in an almost perfect competition market which you have no idea of.
- I am not interested in part-time business owners, for if their heart is elsewhere, nothing will work.
- I am not interested in 50k seed investments, where the venture eventually becomes a replacement job for the person who will otherwise be unemployed.
- I am not interested in developing social networking sites, unless you have a model for market intelligence collection or revenue.
- I am totally not interested in student entrepreneurs!

Casting the old practices and mindsets behind, it is time to brace myself for the exciting ride ahead, where you leave nothing and take everything.

Rules Not So New

2008-03-04T14:29:00.000-08:00

Over the past two months, I have immersed myself in a ball game only played at the upper echelons of regional businesses. As expected, life will not be smooth sailing this year, and I should very well brace myself for the many storms ahead. Of course, this is all part of the challenge I readily accepted when I cast away everything in Singapore for a taste of the real fast track.

Little, if not practically no control is given over my own time. Meetings run wild in the day, while work gets done in the middle of the night. Not forgetting the constant plotting of minds in search of power and influence. Other than my weekend escapes in the warm embrace of my wife, the brain sees little rest, kept awake by the very knowledge that resting can really fatal.

A few interesting lessons I have learnt:

1) Capability is Nothing, Trust is Everything

In a job, capability only makes sure you are not fired. Having spent most of my life honing capabilities, and having attributed my previous failures to the lack of capability, I now come to the realization of what the hell is wrong.

Most people survive with little capability. To get into the position to effect change, your capability is of little matter. Your ability to win the hearts of those above you is what matters most, for they are those who will place you in the position. Only then will capability come in, and still, not so much, for it is more important to know how to use the capable.

2) Everyone has a hidden agenda

This is only the case at the highest rungs, much like the ancient Chinese courts, all in power want more, and it is up to you to figure out what they want, and make them believe you have their interests at heart. Weave their works to serve your interests indirectly, while serving their interests directly.

3) You always need Plan B, and maybe C and D

At such levels, pay scales and permanence of employment are as volatile as the roulette tables. Favour and disfavour can change overnight, and dynasties rise and fall with the sun. Having multiple lines of development safeguards not just your bank account, but literally your very survival.

4) Lose Yourself

For this I do not mean it literally, but rather, in public view. Similar to the 48th Law of assuming formlessness, one would need to make sure people see you not for who you are, but what you want them to believe. These masks need to be carefully worn, and never taken off.

There is more to the above, and while it is a tiring task to play the game, the potential rewards are simply quite attractive. In the end, I just need a comfortable amount to fund my retirement, and live happily ever after (how jellyfish…).

Transit from Macau

2008-02-27T22:58:00.000-08:00

Flew from KL to Macau to visit my wife. Took an interesting picture from the place before touchdown. Never seen a cloud drifting so low. Spent 2 hours clearing the bloody customs, never seen a more inefficient customs system.

The very interesting cloud

The stupid crowds...

Once again, I spent my weekend with my wife. This time I tried cooking soup, threw a lot of herbs, plus my favourite pig brain and kidney. It actually tasted very good! Had a new addition to out family too – 1 terrapin and 8 fishes (1 died yesterday)…

Luan4 Qi1 Ba1 Zao1 Soup!

Terrapin and Fishes

Waiting for Lunch

Malaysia

2008-02-22T02:38:00.000-08:00

Life is Malaysia is slow and boring… thankfully I arrived during the joyous CNY season so it wasn’t so bad (apart from the lonely weekends where everyone else is partying and I’m cracking my head over my measly entertainment options).

First time seeing people flying the giant lanterns, they can really fly quite high. Below are some pictures, pardon the lighting cos it was really dark and I couldn’t use flash.

I shall take this weekend to recharge, thanks to budget airlines I’m able to fly a little further to the place where love and comfort awaits.

The Best CNY in 10 Years

2008-02-12T06:11:00.000-08:00

For the past nine days, I have been living in a dream-like state, where everything in reality seems almost utopian. Spending Chinese New Year in a merry mood, something I have not done for almost a decade, since my last memories of CNY never seemed anywhere near satisfactory.

The once empty life now feels full and wholesome, wrapped in the warmth of love and purpose. Speaking of love, I may now conclude, after some reflection, that I have perhaps never truly loved before. I would even go to the extent of taking back my claim that all people only love themselves. And yes, to love and be loved is a feeling no words are capable of expressing fully.

Perhaps in this age and time, love without concern for material needs is merely a fool’s tale, told in the face of billions of viewers, but never actually materialized. But love in the practical parameters of survival and stability is both present and very viable. My earlier dejection for the lack of the earlier now seems totally uncalled for.

Enough rattling, let me recap of my simple but eventful CNY.

As usual, I arrived in the evening, due to work commitments and the visiting of a long awaited friend, whom I would never turn down. Good to hear that this friend has finally found his direction and all seems good to go.

My wife was waiting at the Ding Tai Fong, our usual breakfast spot. She actually waited for approximately 90 minutes (couldn’t really blame her for the anxiety). Had a simple dinner and headed home (apparently, her home has also become my home, and over the week I believe I have stocked up a whole pile of home-use equipment and accessories, plus fixing a new rack and getting new utensils).

Throughout almost my entire stay, we had home-cooked food, and god I have to marvel at her culinary skills. I thought my little recipes were good enough, till you see a person who can come up with a great tasting dish no matter what ingredients you give her. And since we both like spicy food, I can only say I am more than happy to stay home for meals.

My CNY present to her was a portrait of us both (hand drawn by me of course). Damn the photo frame I bought at HK, came with screws so tight I had to abandon it for another. Her present in return was a scarf (useful for the chilly weather here). I have to applaud her for effort, for this is her first time trying hand-knitting, and though some weaves were a little off, the end-product is still more than enough for practical use. She didn’t even sleep during CNY eve just to finish it on time (cos of the many mistakes here and there, resulting in her having to unweave many layers).

On CNY itself, we went to this theme park. Can’t help laughing at the photos of their twisted faces on the roller coaster and river raft. Her ditsy sister also helped in entertaining, by knocking over a glass of cola during dinner and having herself stand at the hand dryer for half an hour.

A few days later a friend we all call “Big Sister” (because she insists I address her as the elder although she is only a few months older) arrived with a noisy kid. Brought the whole lot of us out for dinner so we would take the kid in for 2 days (the kid is her nephew). Regretfully, we lost all our possible beddings thanks to the kid consecutively peeing in bed for 2 nights.

Really thankful to have a wife who helps save, so I did not have to burst my budget this new-year. Of course, it is only natural for me to go the extra mile to at least ensure our home is properly stocked up. Oh, and I also managed to clear the toilet bowl, which got stuck because one of my rounds was just too enormous!

Her only shortcoming is that she’s a total sucker for premiums. Or to be more accurate, she is a total romantic, and will pay more than necessary for something not very useful just to get the premiums (she got a couple’s wallet for both of us, for RMB 500 of weird beauty products, which I believe will last her for a good 6 months). In return, I got her 2 cups (which she was eying but refused to let me but them), for coffee powder that would last a year! Oh well, all in the name of fun and romance…

Can’t help but feel a little guilty to leave her behind for the next 3 weeks as I proceed back for work. Poor girl ended up crying silently in bed after I left. Thankfully, her sister is still around to help take care of things. Too much romance makes departure heavy, but I’m sure in time she will get used to it.

Week 2 in HK

2008-01-31T08:31:00.000-08:00

Finally finished the concept portion of the current project. Can’t wait to move into the development phase. 2 full weeks in Hong Kong, life here is, as always simple – morning exercise, work, sleep… a repetitive but somehow pretty desirable lifestyle, for one knows the repetition is all made towards a bigger goal.

The long chain of emails between some supplier and me has finally ended. Somehow I believe they have figured out the most appropriate way to handle things. I wish them luck with the authorities, and of course, all the best to them.

I believe there’s going to be lots of flying around in the next few months… of course it is all for the development phase of the project. Hopefully the climate at the destinations are slightly warmer.

CNY holidays start in a few days time. Good to hear that a friend is coming over to spend CNY too. Plus my girlfriend’s company, I believe it shall be both a fun (with friends), and romantic (with girlfriend) 10 days, a good recharge for the hype to come.

The following are some lovey-dovey pictures (can’t believe I’m doing this…)

Shopping at Gongbei over the weekend. I love this place, cos I can get YSLs for a dirt cheap price

She's a helpless romantic... even to such details...

Wrapped like a dumpling... thanks to the freezing cold.

5 Days Later

2008-01-20T07:51:00.000-08:00

Life in HK is quite slow moving these few days, primarily because it is a weekend and there really isn’t much to do other than eat, sleep and watch VCDs. Our guest Mr Rayboy is finding a lot of entertainment in watching the “Making of the Century” TVB serial I brought over.

Healthy lifestyle prevails, with bread and cereal after the morning runs and gym sessions. Managed to find 2 sets of fussball tables at the clubhouse, much to my pleasure. Time to brush up my long lost table soccer skills.

Learnt how to use the international calling card today. Really quite the idiot when it comes to mobile technology. Calling SG is still expensive, but at least calling China is cheap enough for me to chat occasionally with my little wife there.

As anticipated, life here can get quite lonely, thankfully I still have a flat-mate and a person to spend time with during weekends, which helps a fair bit in lifting the gloom here.

Work is hardly taxing here, simply because of the difference in efficiency levels and the autonomy granted to us. As long as we get things done, it doesn’t really matter if we are in the office or not.

I still have to learn how to pick a 4 leaf lock, cos apparently the management does not want to let us use the balcony (they are afraid we jump off from it, hahaha).

The following are pictures of me casual self at home :)

Thanks to Lucy for the Comfy Kimonos!

My Ridiculous Home-Use Slippers...

A New Start

2008-01-18T18:54:00.000-08:00

Should have logged on here on my first day, but life in Hong Kong is simply too eventful for me to take a break and sit in peace before my computer. Glad to have a nice apartment will sufficient fitness facilities to satisfy my desire of ridding my ever growing spare tyre.

The following are some pictures taken of my place of residence. It’s small (as all HK apartments are, but well furnished with a great view from the windows. Waking up for a routine run and gym session seems to have brought my health back to considerable shape.

Of the past 4 days, I spent a good amount of time in Zhuhai (China’s mini sin city). This is a place where hot chicks from all over China gather, proving the truth of the field reports in SB forums. The food and entertainment is cheap (compared to SG), and service standards are a good cut above the rest.

Food there is also a lot more decent compared to the really tasteless food in HK, or perhaps it is just that I am too used to the high levels of MSG used in SG food preparation.

Through the 2 night stay there, I found myself reverting back to old ways, with the only difference being; this girl really knows how to play the role of a girlfriend – Caring and sweet (although it may all be for show), it’s nice to have a little cuddly cuddly in a lonely foreign land.

I’ll probably visit her again (to try her cooking), maybe next week. Till then, it’s back to serious business here.

Save Me!

2008-01-09T12:41:00.000-08:00

It seems like my patterns of visiting this haven of literary vomit revolves around the extremes of my little existence – the joyous pinnacles and blasphemous shit-holes. If my life had been a roller coaster ride for the past 4 years (as the oracle had so accurately predicted), the last 4 months was like a recap of the 4 years, except for the sheer difference in the magnitude of fluctuations.

5 more days before I leave this place to which memories no longer hold much significance, I am stuck between a myriad of dirty situations, some of which a ripple of my own stupidity earlier, and the rest a forced meal, gorged down my gullet by those I have been too nice towards.

A close friend likened this situation to that which we all know of (ORDing from the army). I am ready to leave this arena, to set forth to conquer new territories and reach beyond what this measly country of 4 million sun-standard workers could possibly provide.

Be it the tricks, the people, the entertainment or the achievements, I have reached my own limits here, after utilizing every ounce of my effort and every possible resource at hand. Should I want a life to get by, be happy with bowing to stupid clients and humoring women whose sole point of merit is providing their bodies, I can stay. But of course, I have grown so sick of such a life even living the next 5 days here seems like an infernal punishment.

Unfortunately, I have to stay for these 5 days, to wrap up the shit left. The administrative hassle of filing documents, making reports, finishing up projects from clients who do not have the slightest idea of what they want and what they need, packing my stuff because I have no home left here, drafting legal documents for those who made it such that I have no home left, distributing my belongings to those who have nothing to give in return, preparing the path for those who are left here but can’t do anything by themselves, SUCKS!

My feelings are those of an exploited slave, except that not only am I robbed of my body and time, but also my money, brains and soul. In what little time I have left here, these people will stop at nothing to leech from me every inch of life I have left, and if possible, continue to live off my efforts even after I am gone.

I wonder, is it kindness, morality or pure stupidity that has led me to obligingly follow suit with these fuckers. They are simply out to screw me (I don’t even need to revert to paranoid old me to see the blatantly obvious), and I am not avoiding the least, nor am I screwing them back.

What am I trying to do? To leave a good name with people who cannot, and probably will not contribute to my greater well-being? I sometimes wonder if a good deed ever pays off at all, and for that matter, even if you have lent a thousand favors to one person, why, when push comes to shove, would your interest even be a point of consideration?

Then it all dawned on me; people applaud you when you favor their interests, consequently condemn you should you finally decide that your own interests needs some protection and thus you have to discount a little of their profits. And here I am, remembering the first rule of “Rules of the Game” (a humble consolidation of 10 basic rules to live by in this civilization) – The only occupation left is Robbery.

Think logically, and one would come to understand that everything in this world has been claimed by a certain somebody. It is simple human nature to desire for more (only idiots and enlightened mystics desire for less, though in my opinion they are really the same; idiots only), and in wanting more from a pool that already belongs to everyone else will have you either;

1) Killing the rest and taking their share (like how you gain in RPGs),

or

2) Taking from others through force and / or tact, so that perhaps they think they have more but truly they have less at the end of the deal.

I would very much like to go for the first option, since it is both simpler and neater. You kill the other guy, take what he has, and there is one less person to fight for the share of gains with you (for sure, since a dead man is a most trustworthy one). Unfortunately, the people in power a long time ago made a smart move to safeguard their empires – to introduce this thing we call “Law”.

By dictating that no-one is above the law and having every stupid idiot below believe this is for the better instantly extinguishes all possibility of the first option’s occurrence. This leaves the idiots with the second option, an option so complicated to execute they would most probably just end up fighting amongst themselves. Good! Now that they are occupied with fighting amongst themselves, the guy in power collects money (taxes, legal fees, and in the case of the country I reside – CPF); money used to pay the guy who created the “Law” to see that idiots below may use the “Law” to continue their petty squabbles.

Keeping the above in mind, the current human population can be split into 3 main factions – The Slave-Masters (basically those who create the law and get paid for keeping it in place), The Slaves (the vast majority of sheep seemingly protected, in reality exploited by the law), and Criminals (a group ranging from unorthodox business people to terrorists, who don’t see the point in playing by the law).

I have played, in such a scenario, for the past 24 years of my existence, the pathetic role of “slave”. I was born to a slave family, my parents were slaves, and so were my grandparents and ancestors. This family line is a bit suckier than the rest. Most slaves know at least to bully slaves from other families to get more food. My family line seemed to have been stuck in an eternal domestic feud since before I was born. They are thus, the lowest of slaves – stupid slaves.

For the past 10 years, knowingly or instinctively, I have tried means and ways to depart from the position of stupid slave to normal slave. For a while, I thought being a normal slave was cool, for I was a little better off than my immediate counterparts – the stupid slaves.

However, as life strode past, it seemed more and more apparent that what I have fought for merely put me on par with the rest of my counterparts in the slave society. I was no better off in terms of living standards. I went through the same monotonous cycle of waking up, meeting more powerful slaves, serving them and going back to bed (while eating meals cooked by other slaves at times of hunger).

In my free time, I exposed myself to every from of slavely pleasure I could find, till there was none left, and when looking back, it is hard not to notice all these pleasures were really just put in place to try to make us forget we are slaves. In that moment of realization, I searched every corner of my social circle, only to find everyone else a slave, and better still, slaves who think they are free.

I cannot help but stare, speechless, at the light of truth. If there was truly good and evil, then it is obvious that evil had won the war a long time ago, and goodness is now a tool of propaganda to ensure the evil ones continue to rule our sorry civilization. I look frantically for a purpose (something I need more and food and water and air to keep myself alive), and find myself unable to justify anything that I have done, or plan to do.

Where is my place in this world where evil has already triumphed, and I have been taught, for 24 years of my life, to side with the good? Everything that I have done amounts to nothing more than a step of the hamster to keep the wheel rolling. Is there even anything I can to do right the wrong that has already been accepted as a right? Is there even a point, in righting this wrong, even if I have finally gained the power to do so?

Whichever asshole said “no knowledge is bad knowledge”, please stand out now and answer the questions posed above. While I can probably find a whole lot of fun deciphering the music code and astral-traveling the world like a crazy mystic, the truth is no amount of new knowledge would put me in a position to make a stand against those questions. The now calls for action more than knowledge, and yet I suddenly feel as if all the knowledge I have acquired is not even feeble in the face of this colossal challenge.

Action must be justified by purpose. Action without purpose is insanity. Yet at this juncture I seem to be doomed, till I find a satisfactory answer, to be devoid of purpose. Yet I have to take action, for life, and consequently for the birth of my own insanity.

I pray, for the very first time in my life, to be saved from this hell.

Weird Dreams

2007-12-23T04:30:00.000-08:00

Last night was an entire series of weird dreams, dreams that don’t make a lot of sense, but somehow (and rarely), I remember them so vividly. Let me try to recap one by one:

1) I was a Merman

In this dream, as the title says, I was a merman. The only difference between the physical compositions of me in this dream is that I can morph the fish tail into legs when I hit dry land, which makes me amphibious.

Along with me were 3 mermaids:

Mermaid 1 – Tall and elegant, with blue hair. I don’t recall her saying anything at all in the dream.

Mermaid 2 – Normal height, with sizeable breasts, the more obliging and helpful kind of person.

Mermaid 3 – Your typical hot girl in town kind of person. Smaller frame (like Asians), most talkative.

This dream was really quite pointless. Neither of the mermaids resembled anyone I know or read of, and the 4 of us just swam from place to place, making fun of people, teasing beach-goers (the guys). Ok I don’t do the teasing, I just stand aside while the 3 “girls” have their fun.

2) I was Married and moved into a weird condo.

This is the only dream in which I knew the people within. This dream starts with me in a funeral, the funeral of someone up the family tree with whom I should be quite close to (grandfather or something).

Apparently he died after discovering a new form of energy (the energy is generated by the cooling process, rather than the usual heating process). The funeral was big, and somehow my OCS platoon mate become by brother, my other schoolmates became my other siblings (and in laws), and a certain friend of mine became my wife.

So after the funeral I went home with my supposed wife, and the condo had a really weird lift. The lift was live a room (which means it has various rooms within), and it moved in a rather dangerous manner (never mind that since it didn’t crash).

Somehow this episode revolved a lot around my “wife”. It was actually very comforting to have a wife. Ok I know I sound like an idiot here, but yes, it was a really heartwarming feeling.

3) Very Interesting House

Ok now I live in a house, some sort of Japanese style terrace which looks like the drawing below. The 2 stories of space was sheltered and curtained, housing an interior which looks like a Japanese garden with a sakura tree and a little hut within. The hut is my room, with 1 bed and 1 toilet.

The whole place had a very zen feel, and here I did not have a wife, but a woman (like those Japanese warriors in the past, who used to patron brothels and have a fixed girl tagged to them), except that this time the woman had to come over.

There isn’t anything particularly interesting about this episode, but the architecture of my “house” was so unique I had to draw it out. Maybe this will be the design for my hours next time.

Apart from all the above, I actually dreamt inside my dream. That however, is too complicated to illustrate here. I slept for about 12 hours in total, maybe more. This is truly an experience of a lifetime.

Eat and Shit

2007-12-17T22:34:00.001-08:00

I don’t even know why I’m writing here anymore. Life has sunk to an all new low, so low into the pits that light is now a greek term. Perhaps I have lived all too intensely for the past 2 months, basically living and having it all – Money, wine, women, achievement, friends and foes.

Having too much makes one sick, and it applies to everything. Having everything at one time has one major drawback; you get sick of them all at one time! Now I’ve come to the point where I pretty much can’t get excited over anything. Good food, good women, good movies, good music, good deals… they all don’t matter anymore. They don’t even seem to mean a thing.

And then after these myriad thoughts, it will all come down to the same damn question; “why am I still alive?” What is there left to do. Over the past months, I have also realized we human beings seem to have to constantly keep ourselves busy, busy with something, anything at all so as to allow ourselves to forget the very fact that existence is pointless or that its point from start till end was just that.

I for one, cannot quite agree to this blatant truth of no-meaning, and have fought for as long as I could remember, to dispel this truth. Perhaps I have failed. Perhaps like all the predecessors, I am but another fool trying to delude myself into believing the rosy veil of meaning and purpose.

I have also realized, while a minor few may be true friends, the majority are really there just to rip a piece of you for their own ravenous diets. There is no such thing as “enough” in the making of human beings. We desire for more, and with each ounce we gain, we do so by ripping if off the flesh of a counterpart. Most “friends”, when push comes to shove, will desert you; even betray you to protect their own ass. I have learnt that the hard way, that each stranger out there is not a friend we have not met, but an enemy we have not defeated.

Imagine a mountain made of heaps of corpses, ladders with human-rungs. That is society it is raw, naked form. Kill or be killed, be the slave that exists only to lift the distinguished few, or distinguish oneself by stepping over the corpses of the million others who may be happy being slaves.

Either ways, life is a cycle of eating and shitting. Eat those who ask to be eaten, and pass shit on those who seek to eat you.

Sealed

2007-12-06T21:13:00.001-08:00

Exactly one month has passed, and I have, in much abruptness, sealed the entrance to the tomb; my little haven where ignorance and stupidity is permitted. Though it was all just a game to begin with, I still can’t help but feel the tingling sense of guilt towards these people who have been really nice to me.

Oh well, with so many things in limbo, perhaps it is just not the time to indulge in such meaningless whims. I still have a lot to do.

The Correct Question

2007-11-30T13:09:00.000-08:00

This week has been totally eventful, due to the truth that it has actually been quite uneventful. Like the majority of city-folk, I am totally vulnerable to boredom. I couldn’t stand a second of inaction (well at least I have to be thinking about something, even if I’m not moving), a personality trait which has led to both my greatest successes and failures.

Browsing books at Kino today churned out a few interesting findings. I shall not state the work-related ones here, since they involve a crucial and confidential project. Reading a book about personality and destiny, I found, perhaps, the answer to my so-far rather screwed up life.

I have been seeking the “answer” everywhere (the answer to “our purpose of existence”); science, spirituality, philosophy, history, literature, music, art, society, politics, economics, etc. Obviously, I have not found the answer, and today, I finally realized that perhaps I never will, because the question asked was wrong.

The question should be: MY purpose of existence!

Aha! Finally got this stupid thought aligned. One will never be able to justify everybody’s purpose, and one need not in the first place. Slaves who think they are free have their purpose justified, while masters who brood over unfounded misery is destined to live blind. I have been blind, and perhaps even asleep, for a long time. It’s damn time to wake the hell up.

I should also put a temporary stop to my crazy alcohol consumption. For the past 2 months, if I take an average, I consumed at least 2 jugs of beer per day (which is really damaging and I’m finally starting to feel it). This does not include the irregular sleep hours due to year end business influx.

I have made an agreement with a friend that we shall both abstain from this vice for a month, and engage in some other, healthy form of pleasure – like exercise. Sex is exercise so I need not deprive myself of this primal need, haha.

Speaking of which, I’m finding it really hard to juggle between the many options. Perhaps when the oracle spoke of my past life as some Mongolian general, it was not too wrong. I can’t seem to be happy with one, nor three, nor eleven. I always want more, the ever-perpetuating greed that will probably drive me to my grave one day.

To make things worse, I have met another old flame, and have been seeing her over the past 3 days. The confrontation between current and previous today was really quite scary. All I could do was sit and be quiet.

In this aspect, perhaps I really have no morals. I am more like an animal. I don’t mind my women having other men, and I hope they don’t mind me. Then again, in this entire scenario, perhaps it is only me who will think this way.

Live Advertising

2007-11-17T21:55:00.000-08:00

These pictures are taken from an advertising campaign running at Citylink Mall. Very impressive, they actually had live people sitting in the wall ads. A real crowd puller, packing the entire walkway.

Hidden Part Of Me

2007-11-15T01:13:00.000-08:00

Had an interesting conversation with Alan last night. Although whatever I’ve said probably did not get through to him, the words struck a chord in me, one I have never really paid much attention to over the last 10 years.

Recently I have found myself a place, an escape from the reality I live in. In my reality (just as everyone else is), I live under the weight of my own mask. Perhaps it all started a long time ago, longer than I can even remember. But I do remember hating myself a lot in the past, and frantically trying to re-package myself into someone I am not, but longed to be.

More than a decade has passed since then, and I am now 99% what I have always wanted to be. It is then that I realize that everyone around me now knows me now for who I truly am, but for what I have become. Looking back, I have probably become that which I once truly wanted, but at the same time that which I truly detest.

In this escape I have found, while most may think of it as some sort of egoistic achievement with the opposite sex, I think otherwise. I may claim that not for one moment do I take singular interest in any of the 3, though the interest is almost obvious from them. What I am really drawn to is that fact that they do not know anything about me, just as I almost do not know anything about them.

In this tiny apartment where everything seems on the surface a game with many lies, perhaps it is here that, ironically, the truth reveals itself. Here, I am accepted not for what I am, but for who I am. Here, I don’t even have a surname, just me. I get to enjoy the pure bliss of ignorance, I forget my talents, my ventures, my status (if any), my reputation, my skills. I am nobody other than myself, and they accept me for that.

Of course, this will probably all come to an end soon. Perhaps it has already come to an end when I crossed the line with one of them. Whatever the case, deep down in that hidden part of me, I am truly thankful to life to have laid such an arrangement, in which for 4 days, I could be totally myself again.

For all this, I have re-written the lyrics of “You Raise Me Up” by Josh Groban:

The winds of dawn, shall dry thy eyes so teary
As rivers flows, our sorrows to the sea
And here I stand, upon a sole reflection
The memory that you once stood by me

(chorus)
For who shall say, that our love is forever
And who could see, the pain tomorrow brings
Through it all, a broken heart endeavours
To find the hands, to piece it back again

The starry night, caress a face so weary
As oceans roll, my soul waits endlessly
For do I see, your shadow in the corner
Or is that just, a hidden part of me

(repeat chorus)

Bull Coin Bank

2007-11-14T22:05:00.000-08:00

This is a corporate gift idea I gave to one of my clients, which I am personally very satisfied with. It's a plush toy bull which functions like a coin bank; the bull can eat the coin and grow fat with more coins. The coins are emptied from the bottom :)

Daemon and Crab

2007-11-13T08:34:00.001-08:00

Last week,or was it the week before (I can't exactly remember), I had a most hilarious lunch. I decided to meet my friend after a K-Lunch session with my brothers and neighbour (supposedly a celebration for my birthday).

I don't really know what got into my friend's head, but he kept insisting on wanting to try this thing we call "Da4 Zha1 Xie4", (In mandarin it means big hairy crab), so we ended up having a set lunch at some chinese restuarant at Taka.

Apparently, my friend mistook the pronounciation, and though the term meant "Big Plate of Mixed Crab" (also pronounced the same way in mandarin). When his crab arrived, he was sorely mistaken, and the following are the hilarious pics of how he wrestled with his crab lunch...

Just For Now

2007-11-10T17:05:00.001-08:00

For a long while I haven’t been writing any songs with lyrics, and for at least a year I have only been composing as an escape from the harshest if emotional realities. It seems somehow, I have found the melody and lyrics for the next song, and it came quite naturally, not due to anything bad, but perhaps something good.

Of course, under the veil of warmth, there could possibly be a cold truth, or maybe it is really all so warm and fuzzy. What is the truth? Scientifically defined, the truth is an observed event recorded with a language that sufficiently describes the event as presented to our perceiving senses.

I would not bother to penetrate the veil. What I know is enough. Anyways, I am also putting on a false front in this deal, the only difference is that is really my true self, while what everyone out there knows of me holds lesser accuracy to my original persona.

I’ll just play along for now, perhaps till I finish the musical arrangements.

Really Stupid

2007-11-05T00:55:00.000-08:00

This is really stupid (I'm feeling like a dumb kid now). The one I like’s got nothing for me (I think). The ones I don’t like are all coming after me (This I am sure). It feels really weird to be hanging out with whose after you, while you’re thinking of the one that’s missing.

And once again, I resort of writing music. The problem is, there is no pain this time, so the music doesn’t seem to take shape. I can’t even pinpoint the exact emotion. I’m very sure relationships are not on my current agenda, and yet I can’t help but hope that somehow I will see her again.

One hour more to my next meeting. Let me try to organize my emotions.

Birthday and Booze

2007-11-04T07:31:00.001-08:00

The past week was a frenzy of deals, projects, deadlines, requests, and of course (though not so expectedly), a full week of birthday celebrations.

I must confess I have never been much of a social creature, as such I have never had anything close to a birthday party with more than 10 friends (minus the time when I was a kid and celebrated at Mcdonalds).

Of all the “celebrations”, the least expected came from JJ Bar, my new hangout for cheap drinks and good company. I was really quite taken aback, and I don’t really recall everything, but thanks to these people (not in any order) – Daemon, Weiwen, Xiao Bao, KK, Qianhui, Dan Dan, Janet, Eunice, Jayz, Louis, Ah Boy, Mark, and Raymond (from Holland), it was truly a night to remember.

Anyhows, I have been slacking anyway in my composing attempts (or more exactly, my uploading attempts). Just to slot in a recent tune (I wouldn’t consider it a composition, since it is too damn short), a tune which simply came to mind one of these nights.

The Original Me

2007-10-30T12:35:00.000-07:00

After recent discussions with the fellas from the inner circle, I’ve come to realize how screwed up my entire life actually is. I now understand my constant desire for death, and total lack of passion for anything at all.

What I am today, it not the real me. It is the “me” who has been forced into a certain mould, for survival, for cash, for status, for recognition. This is NOT the real me. I’ve entered the realm of business because it makes more money than a worker does, and somehow I am “blessed” with a mind that can map algorithm / pattern to almost anything I encounter, thereby see beyond and predict beforehand.

I’ve trained my body and endurance, produced substantial results in my years in the competitive sports not for passion, but for the recognition a physical weakling would otherwise not be able to gain.

Studies of the various fields of knowledge are executed because I need a reason to justify my otherwise very meaningless existence. Music is my vent for relations I dare not pursue and yet lament over. Art is the glimpse of my personal utopia that would be seemingly impossible to achieve in reality.

Unknowingly, to thrive in the civilization we live in today, I have shaped my physical, emotional and spiritual self to something that is entirely not my cup of tea. What everybody out there sees of me, the “me” that is recognized, accepted and perhaps loved by those around, is not “me” at all.

My death wish is perhaps the escapism attitude towards the mask I have donned for 10 years, and burden of carrying an identity that is false, living under the veil of a glorious lie I return for basic survival. And yet, should I want to press the reset button, the sheer pain of being nothing without such garments and accessories is simply too much to bear.

Living this lie is like walking on thin ice. You never know when you might snap and lose everything. How can I possibly love another when I can’t even begin to love myself? It seems for now, she who catches my fancy, I may only watch and appreciate from afar, like a piece of art I cannot bear to stain with my own filthy existence.

Thoughts

2007-10-27T12:28:00.001-07:00

Mass Burial - This may seem like some ordinary outdoor decor to the naked eye, but scrutiny will reveal the fact that it is actually made of a few hundred seashells, the remnants of the armour once carried by our marine counterparts. This looks more like a mass burial to me.

Hidden Beauty - A little bud, hidden amongst a think clump of leaves, waiting to blossom

Long Hair

2007-10-27T12:24:00.000-07:00

The long hair I've kept sinceleaving the armed forces has been sniped off recently due to some stupic in camp requirement. As such I've taken some shots to commemorate the days of long hair...

Close Your Eyes

2007-10-18T11:20:00.000-07:00

I think I will never fully be free of emotions. I don’t think any human being would ever be able to attain such a state, and for those who actually do, they have transcended the boundaries of the human species.

I am still quite appalled, and perhaps a little disappointed with the way things have turned out, though it is something that could be easily anticipated had I understood and not contested the materialism of the modern world.

I am a self-professed idealist, perhaps to the extent of a dreamer. As sung in “The Music of The Night”;

Close you eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
In the dark it is easy to pretend
That the truth is what it OUGHT TO BE

Reality dishes us a whole lot of shit. Thankfully, we still have the haven of dreamscapes to ease the unfeeling truths of the world we face with our two opened eyes.

So; let me imagine I have not lived through the timeframe of 1500hrs to 0200hrs today.

Will Someone Catch Me?

2007-10-17T15:53:00.001-07:00

Today, or should I add yesterday as well, has been so long. Running for 24 hours and going on. I think I’m becoming alcoholic, or perhaps it is just a convenient way to numb the impairing loneliness outside my more creative moments.

Had I not been reminded today, I wouldn’t have actually realized I am shouldering this much. The sudden realization couldn’t have served a worse purpose. I know for one it is not time for me to collapse yet, but sometimes I wonder, if I do, will there be anyone there to break my fall?

Spent a good 3 hours trying to get a message across to a dear friend. I hope the time was worth it, because I seriously do not have too much energy to baby-sit the mentality problem of newcomers at this crucial point.

I really need a good sleep, something I have not enjoyed for a while. It doesn’t seem I’ll be getting any soon, considering the fact that while juggling all this, I have to choose between accepting or denying an impending relationship.

Ugh… I feel nauseous.

New Addiction

2007-10-13T12:03:00.001-07:00

I think I’m addicted to something. With the newfound purpose behind the newfound company, I have been indulging, (apart from karaoke, booze and women), in conceptual design. It is simply refreshing to depart from reality and let one’s imagination run wild. Complimented by Alan’s cranky / rebellious creative direction, the last week was a wild ride through the uncharted waters of conceptual translations.

Life is supposed to be like that. While I cannot pinpoint a purpose in doing all this, it is at least fun enough to keep me hooked. It’s like an activity that has to take place at least once a day, like sex, like smoking.

The drawback is that whenever I am back from these “conceptualization trips”, I get a bit of a “hangover”. The reality, it seems, would appear bleaker with each return, until there is finally no colour left.

Namecards

2007-10-10T12:37:00.000-07:00

The following are the namecard designs for my new venture, something I'm personally very satisfied with :)

Finally Home

2007-10-09T10:21:00.001-07:00

Had a rather long day today. Literally 12 hours of discussions and stuff. Alan is right about certain things, things I have perhaps overlooked in my newfound worry of worrying of everyone else (simply because I don’t quite need to worry about myself).

I have resigned recently to my new goal in life; to help others achieve their goals since I don’t particularly have any. In doing so, I have fervently absorbed every little detail of their life, finances, welfare, morale, etc, and have perhaps lost sight if certain realities in life that have once been so obvious to me.

Some people have to learn the hard way, through experience. A jovial outlook does not mean reception to the experience of others, which I do not, and cannot blame, for I was once as obstinate. Perhaps after functioning alone for so long, I have forgotten what it was like to lead a team (and it was really not too long ago when I lead teams in hundreds to get stuff done).

It is probably time to assume, with a degree of firmness, the position that I have so shunned away from, due to my one everlasting regret of having failed my last ideal team. When there is no other option, the best option is to be taken, just like it is in the chain of field command.

Anyhows, this year looks as if it will conclude on a rather fine note. Of course, much is needed; creativity, passion, management, leadership, and most importantly, HARD WORK.

We will have a great, unforgettable year ahead. It has been long since I have felt so at home :)

At the End of Humanity...

2007-09-29T13:04:00.000-07:00

I wonder why I cannot get myself into a more energetic mode these days. Everything just seems so monotone, so aimless, so purposeless, as is the truth behind the façade of glittering justifications a human society gives itself.

2 days of reservist have only served to worsen the already shitty situation, and if there is indeed a higher governing intelligence, it really has its way of toying around. The week before reservist was rather slack, and on my first and second day, the year end orders suddenly came flooding in. Well this is not exactly a bad thing, but not being able to attend to business matters first hand, and having to sit in a course totally irrelevant to me, even from the NS aspect, is just killing all my brain cells.

I’ve been watching this anime called “NANA” recently (think I’ve combed 30 episodes in 2 days). One of the more human animes I’ve seen in a long time. The scenario flits between the glitz-and-glamour, and the more common aspects of people and their lives. It is sometimes marvelous to think that born so different from one another, we still consider ourselves a single species.

Pondering along these lines, it is even more disturbing to know that as a species, our very biological and psychological make-up is such that we are equipped with the capability to execute independent action and decisions, and yet all we have ever done in our measly history is to try to mimic other species.

As my earlier posts have mentioned in brief, it all started when we observed our surroundings, differentiated the observations, and decided we want what others have. We then move through space and time, painstakingly piecing together the world we have separated and segregated to obtain the “power” (if I may just use such a crude word), to create our own world.

In a certain way, we are really not one species, but totally separate entities, bonded by a single thing – put the dick in the hole and we get one more entity independent from the rest of everything.

Recently there was this movie – Invasion, which depicted a world, or rather an alternative to our current civilization, a solution to all forms of political leadership and civilization efforts. In the movie an alien spore / vegetable (oh whatever) invades our planet and when “infected”, the “victims” will retain their biological habits but work without hesitation, as if aware of humanity as a singular consciousness, for the “greater good”. Well in the end, no single human really wanted to be infected. We say when push comes to shove, people reveal their inner desires. This movie literally tells us in our face, that any form of civilization is pointless, because we are independent beings with unique minds.

Summing up the fundamental construct of the human being (as an individual, since we now know that conceptually, we don’t really suffice to be labeled as a species), we have the following:

The Body – A piece of carbon finely woven to be able to perform physical action, at a certain cost, as depicted in the table below.

ACTION

2 units of waking experience
1 unit of sleeping experience
Functions requiring physical movement

COST

Energy in the form of food
Maintenance fee
Daily replenishment of lost fluids

The Consciousness – An independent will that grows, and can continue to grow infinitely, as long as our body is able to perceive experiences and transmit them effectively to this will. It is interesting to note that at the point of one’s creation, we don’t really have a consciousness. The most primitive form of our consciousness is that which reacts to the first needs of the body.

Adaptability – This is something I find unique to us humans. We don’t necessarily thrive in every condition, material or emotional, but we are able to “get used to it” over time. We are able to process, filter and execute actions to harness surrounding resources to get over almost any situation.

Having broken down the components of ourselves, we now look at the general direction where our “species” is headed, as determined by the “human” factors:

The Governments – They are the people who have sufficiently convinced the rest to discard the majority of natural consciousness, because the government has a superior consciousness and are able to make better decisions. However, on the inside, they are no more than self serving beings. With or without them, the human race will survive. In fact, we may be better off because looking at us as an eco-system; these are merely free-loaders providing no actually contribution in the long term (I mean years in the millions).

The Thinkers – This group includes researches, mystics, philosophers and similar. Their life quest is to find “the truth”. Converged at the pinnacle of human knowledge, they are only interested in the full development of the human consciousness.

The Creators – These are business owners, whose strength lies in improvising the surrounding resources to help adapt to the situation. They influence the body of the human being, and help to perpetuate “sellable” ideas and thoughts hatched by the thinkers.

The Internet – I paid special attention to this entity because it is an alternate connection of consciousness, and broadens the physical range of connection, from surrounding people to people all over the world. It is a realm the governments have no solid control over, unless they want to wipe of every human being, with which they will all starve to death. This environment is growing, evolving, entirely without government influence (there is some but it is totally negligible).

In a world like the one we live in today, we can safely say that we will continue to live and reproduce, as long as our planet lives. No matter how harsh the physical conditions, we are equipped with enough adaptability to pull through and find new comfort.

Governments may one day crumble under the influence of the internet. With the scale of global interactions increasing by the minute, and direct exchange of value made possible (since value is a virtual thing anyways), there will be almost no need for policy makers in future.

Governments will not crumble if there is a person smart (no I think wisdom is needed here as well) enough to take his lifetime to dominate the internet, and yet is a free loader. I think such a person is quite hard to come by, but I actually know one such person. In this case, there will eventually be only one government.

In both cases, we will eventually conquer space, thereby extending the lifespan of our “species” to be pegged to the lifespan of space, instead of that of earth. In the first case, we will probably be able to harness more of our consciousness, in the second, our consciousness will deteriorate slowly, till the top uses about 3% of his / her brain, and the rest less than half of that, which means 1.5% and below.

As the first case continues, we will probably come to a stage where we change our physical shell, or evolve it to sustain the massive energy emitted by our more highly evolved consciousness. If not, we will just become shell-less, and consequently cease to have anything in common to call ourselves a “species”.

In the second case, we would probably be wiped out by our increasing stupidity, or be eradicated by another species that have evolved more effectively than ourselves, then we also become shell-less, but our consciousness concentrate may not be strong enough to sustain itself in a shell-less state, and we then disintegrate (quite quickly), into part of the universal Akashic-Field.

The second case’s probability largely exceeds the first. That is, if this is a cause and effect universe. If this is a random universe, we may actually have a chance at playing god. Either ways, Iwill not live to see that day, nor will I be able to achieve above 50% usage of my brain in my lifetime to be able to sustain my own consciousness after death.

3 Changes - 3 Days

2007-09-26T01:05:00.000-07:00

1) Cut My Hair

It’s been about 6 months since my last haircut, and while I’m starting to get used to my little mane, the damn NS call-up had to forcefully alter my plans. Nevertheless, I actually welcomed my new look, cos the weather here is really quite terrible, and my overseas trip has been postponed indefinitely due to the start of a new venture and the cumulating projects ahead.

2) Manpower Course

This is what’s going to happen from tomorrow till the 5th of next month. No problem with a stay-out course just that I’ll have to learn to tune my bio-clock back to regular human hours. Balloony can expect his call-up soon, because I’m bound to feel lonely amongst the green zealots. Don’t worry bro, I’ll make sure you have fun.

3) New Company

My new venture with Alan and YJ has been officially registered. Though it’s nothing significant in dollars and cents, it’s probably a good thing that the ball finally started to roll in our consolidated great-direction. The upcoming year will be a busy one, but I can smell the sweetness, not in impending victory, but in a really fruitful journey. Though I have not expressedly said so, I have been waiting for a collaboration of such, for along long time.

More or Less

2007-09-12T15:14:00.000-07:00

I wonder if it is chance or just my recent fortune to have met a bunch of really right people. It has always been both rewarding and enriching to converse about various topics with like minded friends, but it’s a whole new paradigm to speak with one who could lead the subtle thoughts of one’s mind out and translate them into words.

Another valuable conversation tonight, and because my friend has the habit of penning down these little philosophical quotes, perhaps I should as well. Though I don’t have the luxury of space to paste all these lines on walls, I can at least jot them down here for future reference.

1) People who do what needs to be done are rich. People who do what they want are successful. Wealth is not a measure of success. In fact, it is not a measurement of anything.

2) Wealth is indeed attractive, at least in modern terms, and thus is used as the factor determining various job positions we have today. There may, however, be something better – Love.

I think a lot more was shared, but I shall treat the rest as internalized thoughts.

And I seriously think I need to learn how to love, I don’t mean BGRs here, but to love and accept people as they are, and for once genuinely care for those around me. Don’t laugh, but I have learnt this from some lovey-dovey Taiwanese serial.

We're more than just Friends, We're already Family

2007-09-09T12:01:00.000-07:00

Today, I have had a most meaningful conversation with two of my most valued friends. Through this conversation, I have to say, that the take-away was truly priceless. It has been such a very long time, I’d say 3 years to be exact, since I have felt such a strong emotional urge to get something done.

And for once, it is not the result that matters, but the process. Perhaps now I can finally understand the sentiments of a certain person when he said, “Never mind what we do, just do something together,” for what is truly precious in life is not where we have been, but who we have met, and what we have done.

Forsaking the mystery of the cause and effect / random universe, if we were to truly have a choice, and even if we did not have one, as long as we KNOW that we have, in our own minds decided on something and saw it through, that alone should count.

To meet like minded people is by itself a rather hard to come by event. The fact that I have met two of such people, and that they are willing to tread this path, or rather, create this path with me is a blessing as rare as an eclipse.

Now, with the objective clear and in sight, the capabilities measured and verified, should I fail to see through till the end the battle I have chosen to fight with my blessed companions, I shall truly be damned to burn in hell for all eternity.

This is a chance to write our own stories, rather than let life write it for us. This is a chance that might never come by again, and it is now action that would spell the outcome of this perfect hand – play it and win, or never play again.

Update after Hibernation

2007-09-02T09:29:00.001-07:00

After the monthly get-together at SMU, the bunch of us (I shall refer to as the “Inner Circle”), decided to have karaoke for a change, instead of the usual DOTA sessions. Actually karaoke was really my idea (I think), since I have not gotten over the Super Star Avenue craze.

After 2.5 hours of ripping our vocals apart, we decided to have supper at the usual Teo Hong area, Baloony’s only supper recommendation. It was then when it suddenly dawned upon us, we were 4 lonely guys, attractiveness enough in social terms, but terribly under-exposed to the other gender.

The next 4 hours were spent trying to come out with a solution to our common problem, and perhaps the problem of all single entrepreneurs who spend all their time on business and only business. The solutions derived were, both grand and humorous. Since it’s meant to be kept in high confidentiality, I’d better not spill the beans here. It’s fun, nevertheless, to see if it will actually be out to action.

My day continued into Saturday, my meeting with the VC lined-up, and my state of mind quite worn after running without rest for 48 hours. Thankfully, I managed to pull of a decent presentation, and from the looks of it we’re ready to move on to stage 2 of the negotiations.

Mexican lunch was filling; courtesy of my Chinese friend who could not thank me enough for the presentation (though I really don’t think it was anything great). Hibernated for a good 20 hours, and now I’m back to my vampiric schedule.