The Original Me
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
After recent discussions with the fellas from the inner circle, I’ve come to realize how screwed up my entire life actually is. I now understand my constant desire for death, and total lack of passion for anything at all.
What I am today, it not the real me. It is the “me” who has been forced into a certain mould, for survival, for cash, for status, for recognition. This is NOT the real me. I’ve entered the realm of business because it makes more money than a worker does, and somehow I am “blessed” with a mind that can map algorithm / pattern to almost anything I encounter, thereby see beyond and predict beforehand.
I’ve trained my body and endurance, produced substantial results in my years in the competitive sports not for passion, but for the recognition a physical weakling would otherwise not be able to gain.
Studies of the various fields of knowledge are executed because I need a reason to justify my otherwise very meaningless existence. Music is my vent for relations I dare not pursue and yet lament over. Art is the glimpse of my personal utopia that would be seemingly impossible to achieve in reality.
Unknowingly, to thrive in the civilization we live in today, I have shaped my physical, emotional and spiritual self to something that is entirely not my cup of tea. What everybody out there sees of me, the “me” that is recognized, accepted and perhaps loved by those around, is not “me” at all.
My death wish is perhaps the escapism attitude towards the mask I have donned for 10 years, and burden of carrying an identity that is false, living under the veil of a glorious lie I return for basic survival. And yet, should I want to press the reset button, the sheer pain of being nothing without such garments and accessories is simply too much to bear.
Living this lie is like walking on thin ice. You never know when you might snap and lose everything. How can I possibly love another when I can’t even begin to love myself? It seems for now, she who catches my fancy, I may only watch and appreciate from afar, like a piece of art I cannot bear to stain with my own filthy existence.
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Thoughts
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Mass Burial - This may seem like some ordinary outdoor decor to the naked eye, but scrutiny will reveal the fact that it is actually made of a few hundred seashells, the remnants of the armour once carried by our marine counterparts. This looks more like a mass burial to me.
Hidden Beauty - A little bud, hidden amongst a think clump of leaves, waiting to blossom
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Long Hair
The long hair I've kept sinceleaving the armed forces has been sniped off recently due to some stupic in camp requirement. As such I've taken some shots to commemorate the days of long hair...
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Close Your Eyes
Thursday, October 18, 2007
I think I will never fully be free of emotions. I don’t think any human being would ever be able to attain such a state, and for those who actually do, they have transcended the boundaries of the human species.
I am still quite appalled, and perhaps a little disappointed with the way things have turned out, though it is something that could be easily anticipated had I understood and not contested the materialism of the modern world.
I am a self-professed idealist, perhaps to the extent of a dreamer. As sung in “The Music of The Night”;
Close you eyes and surrender to your darkest dreams
Leave all thoughts of the world you knew before
In the dark it is easy to pretend
That the truth is what it OUGHT TO BE
Reality dishes us a whole lot of shit. Thankfully, we still have the haven of dreamscapes to ease the unfeeling truths of the world we face with our two opened eyes.
So; let me imagine I have not lived through the timeframe of 1500hrs to 0200hrs today.
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Will Someone Catch Me?
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Today, or should I add yesterday as well, has been so long. Running for 24 hours and going on. I think I’m becoming alcoholic, or perhaps it is just a convenient way to numb the impairing loneliness outside my more creative moments.
Had I not been reminded today, I wouldn’t have actually realized I am shouldering this much. The sudden realization couldn’t have served a worse purpose. I know for one it is not time for me to collapse yet, but sometimes I wonder, if I do, will there be anyone there to break my fall?
Spent a good 3 hours trying to get a message across to a dear friend. I hope the time was worth it, because I seriously do not have too much energy to baby-sit the mentality problem of newcomers at this crucial point.
I really need a good sleep, something I have not enjoyed for a while. It doesn’t seem I’ll be getting any soon, considering the fact that while juggling all this, I have to choose between accepting or denying an impending relationship.
Ugh… I feel nauseous.
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New Addiction
Saturday, October 13, 2007
I think I’m addicted to something. With the newfound purpose behind the newfound company, I have been indulging, (apart from karaoke, booze and women), in conceptual design. It is simply refreshing to depart from reality and let one’s imagination run wild. Complimented by Alan’s cranky / rebellious creative direction, the last week was a wild ride through the uncharted waters of conceptual translations.
Life is supposed to be like that. While I cannot pinpoint a purpose in doing all this, it is at least fun enough to keep me hooked. It’s like an activity that has to take place at least once a day, like sex, like smoking.
The drawback is that whenever I am back from these “conceptualization trips”, I get a bit of a “hangover”. The reality, it seems, would appear bleaker with each return, until there is finally no colour left.
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Namecards
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
The following are the namecard designs for my new venture, something I'm personally very satisfied with :)
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Finally Home
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
Had a rather long day today. Literally 12 hours of discussions and stuff. Alan is right about certain things, things I have perhaps overlooked in my newfound worry of worrying of everyone else (simply because I don’t quite need to worry about myself).
I have resigned recently to my new goal in life; to help others achieve their goals since I don’t particularly have any. In doing so, I have fervently absorbed every little detail of their life, finances, welfare, morale, etc, and have perhaps lost sight if certain realities in life that have once been so obvious to me.
Some people have to learn the hard way, through experience. A jovial outlook does not mean reception to the experience of others, which I do not, and cannot blame, for I was once as obstinate. Perhaps after functioning alone for so long, I have forgotten what it was like to lead a team (and it was really not too long ago when I lead teams in hundreds to get stuff done).
It is probably time to assume, with a degree of firmness, the position that I have so shunned away from, due to my one everlasting regret of having failed my last ideal team. When there is no other option, the best option is to be taken, just like it is in the chain of field command.
Anyhows, this year looks as if it will conclude on a rather fine note. Of course, much is needed; creativity, passion, management, leadership, and most importantly, HARD WORK.
We will have a great, unforgettable year ahead. It has been long since I have felt so at home :)
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Kitchen Cabinets
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